▇█▇▆200分▄▃▂▁征集英文笑话啦▁▂▃▄200分▅▆▇▇█
来自： 更新日期：早些时候
.Will you marry me (even if I don't spend 2 months of my salary on a ring)?中文翻译是什么意思~
The librarian went over to the small, noisy boy. "Please be quiet!" she admonished. "The people near you can't read!"
"They can't?" the lad said inquisitively. "Then what are they doing here?"
妙问
图书管理员走到不安静的小男孩身边。“请安静！”她告诫道。“你周围的人看不了书！”
“看不了？”小孩好奇地问道。“那他们在这儿干什么？”
An Energetic wife
Neighbour: I heard a big noise in front of your house last night. What happened to you?
Husband: It was nothing. My wife was a bit cross, and threw my overcoat out of the window.
Neighbour : Your overcoat? But how could it make such a noise?
Husband: I… I happened to be inside the coat.
精力旺盛的妻子
邻居：昨天夜里我听见你家屋前有很大的声音，你们出了什么事吗？
丈夫：没什么。我的妻子有点不高兴，把我的大衣给扔到窗外去了。
邻居：你的大衣？扔大衣怎么会有那么大的声音？
丈夫：我……我恰好也在大衣里面。
3.A Satisfactory Substitute
A neighbor boy knocked at the door.
"Can Timmy come out and play with me?" he asked.
"I'm sorry, but Timmy is taking his nap," Timmy's mother replied.
"Then can Timmy's new bike come out and play?" he inquired hopefully.
满意的替换
邻居的男孩敲门。
“蒂米能出来和我玩吗？”他问道。
“对不起，蒂米正睡午觉呢，”蒂米的妈妈答道。
“那蒂米的新自行车能出来玩吗？”他满怀希望地问道。
4. More Experienced
"Your Honor," the accused hit-and-run driver's lawyer pleaded, "that man who was injured must have been careless. My client is an experienced driver of more than 20 years."
"If experience is the issue here, " the other attorney countered, "my client has been walking for over fifty years.
更是老手
“大人，”被告逃逸司机的律师辩护说，“那个受伤的人一定是自己粗心。我的当事人是一个有20多年驾龄的老手。”
“如果这里的问题在于经验的话，”另一位律师说，“我的当事人已有了50多年的走龄。”
5. Not Difficult
The duck hunters had been waiting hours for some ducks to show up. Finally a lone duck flew by and everybody missed except one hunter who had been belting down a bottle of whiskey.
His pals asked him how on earth he had hit the thing.
"That's easy, " he replied, "you ought to be able to hit something when a flock that big goes by."
一点不难
打野鸭的猎手一连几小时等着野鸭露面。终于一只孤鸭飞了过来。除了一个灌了一瓶威士忌的人，别人都没打中。
同伴问他究竟是怎么射中的。
“一点儿不难，”他答道，“当那么一大群飞过时，你总能打到点什么。”
6.Vice-president
A man who had just been promoted to vice-president boasted so much about it to his wife that she finally retorted, "Vice-presidents are a dozen a dime. Why, in the supermarket they even have a vice-president in charge of prunes."
Furious, the husband phoned the supermarket in the expectation of refuting his wife. He asked to speak to the vice-president in charge of prunes.
"Which kind? " was the reply. "Fresh or dried? "
副总裁
刚被提升为副总裁的丈夫向妻子大吹大擂，妻子终于反驳道：“副总裁一毛钱买一打。你看超级市场里甚至有一名负责李子的副总裁呢。”
恼怒的丈夫立即给超级市场打电话，准备驳斥妻子。他要求与负责李子的副总裁通话。
“管哪方面的？”对方答道。“鲜货还是干货？”
7.Smart Customer
The butcher placed his last roast on the scale. "That'll be $ 3.95, " he told the customer.
"That one's too small. "
The canny butcher returned the roast to the refrigerator, paused a moment, then took it out again. "This one, " he announced, "will be $ 4.80. "
The customer smiled, "I'll take them both. "
聪明的顾客
屠夫把最后一块烤肉放在磅秤上。“3元9角5分，”他对顾客说。
“这块太小。”
狡猾的屠夫把烤肉放回冰箱里，过了一会儿，又将它取了出来。“这块，”他吆喝道，“4元8角。”
顾客笑道：“两块我都要了。”
8.Sudden Realization
Two teenagers on a tour of a modern art gallery found themselves alone in a room of modern sculpture. Staring at the twisted pipes, broken glass, and tangled shapes, one of them said, "Let's get out of here before they accuse us of wrecking this place. "
恍然大悟
两个少年去参观一家当代艺术美术馆，发现在现代雕塑的一间展室里只有他们两人。看着那些扭曲的铁管、破碎的玻璃和杂乱的形状，其中一个说道：“咱们出去吧，别让人家以为是咱们把这儿糟踏成这个样子的。”
9.Full Name
"Do you know the name of the little boy who sits behind you, Rosalie? " Mother asked the first-grader.
"His name is Jimmy, " Rosalie answered.
"Jimmy who? " asked Mother.
"His whole name is Jimmy Sitdown, " said Rosalie, "that's what the teacher calls him. "
全名
“罗莎莉，知道你后面坐的小男孩叫什么吗？”妈妈问上一年级的女儿。
“他叫吉米，”罗莎莉答道。
“吉米什么？”妈妈追问道。
“他的全名叫吉米·坐下，”罗莎莉说，“老师就那么叫他的。”
10.Not That Bad
"It looks like a bad storm is coming up, " said the hostess, "you'd better stay for dinner. "
"Oh, thanks, " said the guest absently, "but I don't think it will be that bad. "
还不至于如此
“看来要下暴雨了，”女主人说，“你还是留下来吃晚饭吧。”
“谢谢，”客人心不再焉地回答道，“但我看还不至于如此。”
11.Result Of Laziness
A teacher asked a class to write an essay on "The Result of Laziness. "
And what a bright but lazy boy in the class handed in as his composition was but a blank sheet of paper.
懒惰的结果
老师要求学生写一篇作文，题目是“懒惰的结果。”
班上一个男孩既懒又聪明，他交上来的只是一张白纸。
12.Only One Who Could Answer
His name was Johnny, and one day he came home from school looking so miserable that his mother was worried. "What is wrong? " She finally asked. Out of his trousers pocket, Johnny fished a note from the teacher which said, "Johnny has been a very naughty boy. Please have a serious talk with him. "
"What did you do? " asked Mother.
"Nothing, " sobbed Johnny, "except that the teacher asked a question and I was the only one who could answer it. "
"H'm , " murmured Mother, "what was the question? "
"Who put the dead mouse in my drawer? " answered Johnny.
只有他能答得出
一天，约翰尼放学回家后脸色特别难看，他妈妈非常焦急。“怎么啦？”她问道。约翰尼从裤兜里掏出老师的一张便条，上面写着：“约翰尼这孩子非常调皮，请认真地和他谈谈。”
“你干什么了？”妈妈问道。
“没什么，”约翰尼抽泣道，“就是老师问了一个问题，只有我答得出。”
“嗯，”妈妈沉吟道，“那是什么问题呢？”
“是谁把死耗子放在我抽屉里的？”约翰尼答道。
13.What Lincoln Did?
Father: Get up, son. When Lincoln was your age, do you know what he was doing?
Son: No, Dad, I don't. But I do know what he was doing when he was your age.
林肯在干什么？
父亲：儿子，快起床。林肯在你这么大年龄的时候，你知道他在干什么吗？
儿子：不知道，不过我确实知道他在你那么大年纪时在干什么。
14.Good Answer
Interviewing an applicant for a chauffeur's job, a man said, "Now, I want a very careful chauffeur, one who doesn't take the slightest risk. "
The applicant responded, "I'm your man, sir. Can I have my salary in advance? "
妙答
在招聘司机面试时，主考人说道：“我所需要的，是一个十分小心的司机，绝对不冒任何危险。”
应试者答道：“先生，我正是你要的人。我能预支工资吗？”
15.Hint
Leaving a plush dinner club one night, a miserly gentleman stalked right past the doorman without tipping him.
Nevertheless, the doorman helped the man into the car with a flourish and said pleasantly, "By the way, in case you happen to lose your wallet on the way home, sir , just remember that you didn't pull it out here. "
暗示
一天晚上，在离开一家豪华的餐馆俱乐部时，一位吝啬的先生大摇大摆地从服务员身边径直走过而没有给小费。
尽管如此，服务员还是潇洒地把那个人送进车里，并愉快地说道：“顺便说一句，如果你在回家的路上碰巧丢了钱包，千万记住，你没在这儿掏过。”
16.Good Reason
First mechanic: Which do you prefer, leather or fabric for the upholstery in cars?
Second mechanic: I like fabrics. Leather is too hard to wipe your hands on.
好理由
修理工甲：汽车里的车套你喜欢哪种，皮革的还是化纤的？
修理工乙：化纤的。皮革的擦手太硬了。
17.Postage
If it's true the world's getting smaller, why do they keep raising the price of postage?
邮费
如果这个世界真的是越来越小，那为什么邮费总是在涨？
18.Dumb Action
The teacher asked his pupils to write an essay telling what they would do if they had a million dollars. Every student except Willie began writing immediately.
Willie sat idle, twiddling his fingers and watching the flies on the ceiling.
"How is this , Willie? " asked the teacher. "Is this your essay? All the other pupils have written two sheets or more while you haven't done anything!"
"Well, " replied Willie, "that's what I'd do if I had a million dollar!"
哑剧
老师让学生写篇作文，谈谈他们如果有100万美元会干什么。所有的学生立刻写了起来，威利却不然。
他坐着发呆，搓着手指头，盯着天花板上的苍蝇。
“怎么了，威利？”老师问道。“你就这样写作文吗？其他同学都写了2页或更多了，而你什么都没干！”
“是啊，”威利应道，“我要是有100万美元的话，那就是这个样子。”
19.Reason
A mother asked her son who had just returned from a youth group's car-washing project, "What was the least amount anyone paid you? "
He replied, "One man gave us just fifty cents. "
His mother said, "That's not very much. "
"I know, " he explained, "but maybe it's because we hosed his car before the windows were rolled up. "
原因
儿子参加少年洗车小组活动回来后，妈妈问道：“钱给得最少的是多少？”
他答道：“有个人只给了5毛钱。”
妈妈说：“是不多。”
“我知道不多，”儿子解释道，“或许是由于他还没摇上窗户，我们就开始冲水的缘故。”
20.Typical
A wife was telling her neighbor about her fishing trip with her husband, "I did everything wrong on the trip. I talked too loud, I made too much noise, I used the wrong bait, I reeled in too soon, and I caught more fish than he did. "
典型的
一位妻子正向邻居谈她和丈夫的钓鱼之行：“我一路上尽出错。我说话声音太高，弄出的响声太大，我用错了鱼饵，起钩太早，可我抓到的鱼比他多。”
21.Fond Of Him
"I suppose the baby is fond of you, " said the visitor to the new father.
"Fond of me? Why, he sleeps all day when I'm not at home and stays up all night to enjoy my company, " answered the proud father.
偏爱
“看来宝宝挺喜欢你的，”客人对刚当上爸爸的主人说道。
“喜欢？可不，我不在家的时候他整天睡觉，然后整晚不睡让我陪着他，”自豪的父亲答道。
22.A Long Time
Greta Garbo was invited to a Hollywood dinner which was attended also by Dr. Albert Einstein. Having some vague idea as to Dr. Einstein's status, Greta turned to him during the dinner and remarked, "Doctor, I understand that you have a great theory. Won't you please explain it all to me? "
"My dear lady, " said Einstein, "I' m afraid there will not be time enough during the dinner to explain the theory of relativity, but perhaps I can tell you about the law of gravitation, which is really a prerequisite. "
So Dr. Einstein went on to tell her all about the phenomenon of gravity and its consequences. Upon the conclusion of his discourse, Greta seemed very impressed and said to him, "Well, for goodness' sake, Doctor, how long has this been going on? "
许久
格丽泰·嘉宝应邀出席好莱坞晚宴，阿尔伯特·爱因斯坦博士也在场。格丽泰对爱因斯坦博士的身份有些模糊印象，因而就在席间转向他说道：“博士，好像你有一个伟大的理论。能否请你解释一遍？”
爱因斯坦说：“亲爱的女士，这会儿解释相对论恐怕时间不够。不过或许我可以给你讲讲引力定律，这其实是个前提条件。”
接着爱因斯坦博士就开始向她讲解引力现象及其后果。听完讲解之后，格丽泰似乎很受启发，对他说道：“天哪，博士，这一现象出现多久了？”
23.Not Fair
Two fishermen sitting on a bridge, their lines in the water, made a bet as to who would catch the first fish. One of them got a bite on his line and got so excited that he fell off the bridge.
"Oh, well, " said the other, "if you're going to dive for them, the bet's off!"
不公平
两个垂钓者坐在桥上，鱼线在水里漂着，他们打赌看谁能先钓到鱼。其中一个发现鱼咬了钩，因过于激动竟掉下桥去。
“哎，”另一个说道，“如果你下水摸鱼，这个赌就没法打了！”
24.Football
Seeing his first American football game, the Englishman watched one of the teams go into a huddle.
"What do you think of it? " asked his American friend.
"It's not a bad sport, " he observed, "but they have too many committee meetings. "
橄榄球
一个英国人第一次看橄榄球比赛，发现其中一个队挤成一团。
“你觉得怎么样？”他的美国朋友问道。
“这种运动不错，”他评论道，“就是他们的碰头会开得太多。”
25.Doctor And Mechanic
Doctor Smith phoned Mike, his mechanic, in middle of the night and said, "It's my engine again, Mike. I can't get it started. That car is one big headache! "
"Well, Doctor, take two aspirins and phone me again in the moring. "
医生和修理工
史密斯大夫半夜里打电话给他的汽车修理工迈克说：“又是我汽车发动机的问题，迈克。我发动不了，这车子真是让人头痛！”
“那么，大夫，吃两片阿斯匹林吧，明天早上再打电话给我。”
26.Walking Dog
The little boy was making a manful effort to lead a large, shaggy dog. "Where are you taking him? " he was asked.
"I don't know yet, " the lad replied, "but when he makes up his mind where he wants to go, I'm going to take him there. "
遛狗
一个小男孩正学大人模样，费力地牵着一条长毛大狗。“带它去哪儿啊？”有人问他。
“还不知道呢，”小孩答道，“但如果狗想好了去哪儿，我就带它去哪儿。”
27.Who For Whom
Dismayed by the size of the Newfoundland dog given to him for his birthday, the small boy wanted to know, "Is he for me, or am I for him ?"
谁给谁
小男孩生日时得到一条纽芬兰狗。狗的块头令他害怕不已，便问道：“是把它给我呢，还是把我给它？”
28.Keep It Confidential
"Don't you and your wife ever have a difference of opinion? "
"Sure we do -- but I don't tell her about it. "
保密
“你和你妻子从来没有过不同意见吗？”
“当然有——但我不告诉她。”
29.Stranger
A young mother put her two children to bed, then changed into an oversized sweat shirt and an old pair of blue jeans and proceeded to wash her hair. All during the shampoo she could hear the youngsters growing wilder and noisier.
She finished as quickly as she could, wrapped a large towel around her head, stormed into the children's room and put them back to bed with a stern warning to stay there.
As she left she heard her two-year-old say to his brother in a trembling voice, "who was that? "
陌生人
年轻的妈妈把两个孩子安顿在床上，换上一件肥大的汗衫和一条旧牛仔裤，开始洗头。刚在头上倒上香波，她听到两个小家伙闹得越来越凶了。
她匆忙洗完头，头上裹了条大毛巾，冲进孩子们的房间，把他们放回床上，厉声警告他们呆在那儿。
当她离开时，她听到自己两岁的孩子用颤抖的声音问自己的哥哥：“那是谁？”
30.Inflation
"With the high price of food, my shopping habits have changed, " commented the housewife, "now I fill the shopping cart with money and put the food in my purse. "
通货膨胀
“食品涨价后，我的购物习惯也变了，”家庭主妇评说道，“现在我用购物车装钱，用钱包装食品。”
33.Salesmanship
The sales manager was approached by some little Girl Scouts peddling cookies. "Why do you want to see me? " he asked.
"Because you are so handsome, " smiled one little girl.
He bought twelve boxes and went back to his desk murmuring, "There is no brighter sales tool than truth. "
推销术
几名销售糕点的女童子军找到销售经理。他问道：“你们为何要见我？”
“因为你长得帅，”一个小女孩笑着说道。
他买了12盒，回到自己的办公桌前，自言自语地说道：“没有比说真话更聪明的推销手段了。”
35.Accurate
He had found fault with his secretary for altering a sentence in a letter he had dictated.
"I don't want you to think, " roared the great man, "I want you to take down my words accurately and then type them, neither adding nor leaving out anything I may say. "
Later in the afternoon the typist brought back the following letter:
"Dear Smyth: Spell it with a "y" , though that's pure swank on his part. In answer to your letter of--look up the date. We can quote you--tell me, Walter, what's the most we can charge this old buzzard? Very well. We can quote you $ 50 a ton for the goods. If he accepts we shall have to make sure of our money beforehand, for I don't trust him. Awaiting the pleasure of your valued order, yours faithfully."
精确
他发现了秘书把他口述的一封信的句子作了调整。
“我不需要你有思想，”这位大人物吼道，“我只需要你准确地记下我的话，然后打出来——不要在我说的话里增删任何东西。”
当天下午，打字员送回来如下的一封信：
“亲爱的史米斯：把‘密’改成‘米’，就他喜欢出风头。兹复——查查日期——来函。我们可以向你报价——告诉我，沃尔特，我们最高可以向这个老贪虫开什么价？很好。我们可以向你报价50美元每吨货。如果他接受了，我们得先确保咱们先拿到钱，因为我不信任他。恭候佳音。你诚挚的。”
38.It Changed Him
"I'm glad to find you as you were, "said the old friend. "Your wealth hasn't changed you. "
"Well, " replied the candid millionaire, "it has changed me in one thing. I'm now‘ eccentric’ where I used to be impolite, and ‘delightfully witty’ where I used to be rude. "
改变
“我很高兴你还是老样子，”老朋友说道，“你的财富并没有改变你。”
率直的百万富翁答道：“还是变了一点：过去的无礼成了现在的‘与众不同’，过去的粗鲁成了现在的‘机敏’。”
39.Specialty
First surgeon (leaving operating room):That was close!
Second surgeon: What do you mean?
First surgeon: An inch either way and I would have been out of my specialty.
专业
第一个外科大夫（正要离开手术室）：真玄哪！
第二个外科大夫：怎么啦？
第一个外科大夫：无论向哪边超出1英寸，我就越出自己的专业了。
40.A Problem
The new minister's family was presented with a pie baked by one of the congregation who was a rather poor cook. The pie was inedible, so the minister's wife reluctantly threw it into the garbage.
The preacher was faced with the problem of thanking the lady, while at the same time being truthful. After much thought, he sent the following note:
"Dear Mrs. Jones: Thank you for being so kind and thoughtful. I can assure you that pie like yours never lasts long at our house! "
头疼事
新牧师收到一份馅饼礼品，是教区1名技术欠佳的人烤的。馅饼无法食用，因此牧师的妻子只好将它扔进了垃圾桶。
牧师面临的问题是，既要感谢那位女士，同时又要说真话。绞尽脑汁之后，他送去这样一张便条：
“亲爱的琼斯夫人：感谢你的好意和周到。我可以向你保证，像你馈赠的那种馅饼在我家从来就搁不住！”
42.Her Prayer
Louise, a little girl who had begun life in a happy-go-lucky household, went to spend a few days with a very strict aunt.
One evening, after a trying day when she had been scolded for her small faults even more than usual, she said her evening prayer. As the aunt passed the bedroom door, she heard, "…and please, make all the bad people good, and the good people a little easier to live with. "
她的祷告
过惯了逍遥自在生活的小女孩路易丝，到她非常严厉的姨妈家过了几天。
一天，她因为一些小事受到比平时更多的训斥。在难熬的白天过后，她做了晚祷告。当姨妈从她的卧室门口经过时，她听到：“……还有，请一定让所有的坏人都变好，让好人好处一些。”
He Won
Tommy: How is your little brother, Johnny? Johnny: He is ill in bed. He hurt himself.
Tommy: That's too bad. How did that happen?
Johnny: We played who could lean furthest out of the window, and he won.
他赢了
汤姆：约翰尼，你小弟弟好吗？
约翰尼：他害病卧床了。他受了伤。
汤姆：真糟糕，怎么回事儿？
约翰尼：我们做游戏，看谁能把身子探出窗外最远，他赢了。
I Have His Ear in My Pocket
Ivan came home with a bloody nose and his mother asked, "What happened?"
"A kid bit me," replied Ivan.
"Would you recognize him if you saw him again?" asked his mother.
"I'd know him any where," said Ivan. "I have his ear in my pocket."
他的耳朵在我衣兜里
伊凡鼻子流着血回到家里。他妈妈问，“发生了什么事？”
“一个男孩咬了我一口，”伊凡说。
“再见到他你能认出来吗？”妈妈问。
“他走到哪里我都能认出他，”伊凡说。“他的耳朵还在我衣兜里呢。”
A Good Boy
Little Robert asked his mother for two cents. "What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday?"
"I gave it to a poor old woman," he answered.
"You're a good boy," said the mother proudly. "Here are two cents more. But why are you so interested in the old woman?"
"She is the one who sells the candy."
好孩子
小罗伯特向妈妈要两分钱。
“昨天给你的钱干什么了？”
“我给了一个可怜的老太婆，”他回答说。 “你真是个好孩子，”妈妈骄傲地说。“再给你两分钱。可你为什么对那位老太太那么感兴趣呢？”
“她是个卖糖果的。”
Drunk
One day, a father and his little son were going home. At this age, the boy was interested in all kinds of things and was always asking questions. Now, he asked, "What's the meaning of the word 'Drunk', dad?" "Well, my son," his father replied, "look, there are standing two policemen. If I regard the two policemen as four then I am drunk."
"But, dad," the boy said, " there's only ONE policeman!"
醉酒
一天，父亲与小儿子一道回家。这个孩子正处于那种对什么事都很感兴趣的年龄，老是有提不完的问题。他向父亲发问道：“爸爸，‘醉’字是什么意思？” “唔，孩子，”父亲回答说，“你瞧那儿站着两个警察。如果我把他们看成了四个，那么我就算醉了。” “可是，爸爸， ”孩子说，“那儿只有一个警察呀！”
Hospitality
The hostess apologized to her unexpected guest for serving an apple-pie without any cheese. The little boy of the family left the room quietly for a moment and returned with a piece of cheese which he laid on the guest's plate. The visitor smiled, put the cheese into his mouth and then said: "You must have better eyes than your mother, sonny. Where did you find the cheese?" "In the rat-trap, sir," replied the boy.
好客
由于客人在吃苹果馅饼时，家里没有奶酪了，于是女主人向大家表示歉意。这家的小男孩悄悄地离开了屋子。过了一会儿，他拿着一片奶酪回到房间，把奶酪放在客人的盘子里。 客人微笑着把奶酪放进嘴里说：“孩子，你的眼睛就是比你妈妈的好。你在哪里找到的奶酪？” “在捕鼠夹上，先生。”那小男孩说。
英语小笑话
上个星期五我穿了一件 Adidas 的衣服去打球, 一个老美看到就笑我说, "Do you
know what does it mean? It means All Day I Dream About Sex.我整天都在想著
性, 缩写正好是 Adidas) " 我正惊讶他怎么反应这么快, 联想力这么丰富时,旁边的
一个老美帮我解围, 他说, 有一个很著名的合唱团 Korn, 他们的招牌歌之一就是
A.D.I.D.A.S, (All day I dream about sex)所以呢,这个典故可是很多老美都耳熟
能详的喔! 下次就换你去取笑老美了.
The mean man's party
The notorious cheap skate finally decided to have a party. Explaining to a friend how to find his apartment, he said, "Come up to 5M and ring the doorbell with your elbow. When the door open, push with your foot."
"Why use my elbow and foot?"
"Well, gosh," was the reply, "You're not coming empty-hangded, are you?"
吝啬鬼请客
一个出了名的吝啬鬼终于决定要请一次客了。他在向一个朋友解释怎么找到他家时说：“你上到五楼，找中间那个门，然后用你的胳膊肘按门铃。门开了之后，再用你的脚把门推开。”
“为什么要用我的肘和脚呢？”
“你的双手得拿礼物啊。天哪，你总不会空着手来吧？”吝啬鬼回答。
Does the dog know the proverb, too?
The little boy did not like the look of the barking dog.
"It's all right," said a gentleman, "don't be afraid. Don't
you know the proverb: Barking dogs don't bite?"
"Ah, yes," answered the little boy. "I know the proverb, but does
the dog know the proverb, too?"
狗也知道这个谚语吗？
一个小男孩非常不喜欢狗狂叫的样子。
“没有关系，”一位先生说，“不用害怕，你知道这条谚语吗：‘吠狗
不咬人。’”
“啊，我是知道，可是狗也知道吗？”
Teacher:Why are you late for school every morning?
Tom:Every time I come to the corner,a sign says,"School-Go slow".
老师:为什么你每天早晨都迟到?
汤姆:每当我经过学校的拐角处,僦看见一个牌子仩写着"学校----慢行".
Let me take it down
An elephant said to a mouse ,"no doubt that you are the smallest znd most useless thing that Ihave e ver seen ."
"Pless ,say it again .Let me take it down ."the mouse said ."I will tell a flea what I know."
为我所用
一头大象对一只小老鼠说：“你无疑是我见过的最小、最没用的东西。”
“请再说一遍，让我把它记下来。”老鼠说。“我要讲给我认识的一只跳蚤听。
有位大叔到美国去，因为临时突击的英语，所以不够用。
一天他到商店买东西，琢磨半天，对售货员说，“嘛好吃（mu how ch）”，售货员没听懂；他想了想，又说“好吃吗（how ch mu）”，还是没懂；“吃嘛好（ch mu how）”，售货员更晕了。
最后还是旁边的售货员机灵，知道大叔是问价钱，这才买了东西。
买完，走到门口，急急忙忙的，不小心撞了位美国绅士，这回大叔挺自信，说“i am sorry（对不起）”，美国绅士也讲礼貌，回一句“i am sorry too（我也对不起）”。大叔就迷惑了，怎么还two(二)呢？心说一定是讲客气，要按照数字一个个加，于是笑着说“i am sorry three（对不起三）”。美国绅士楞了一下，问“what are you sorry for（你为什么道歉）”，大叔不假思索，说：“i am sorry five（对不起五）”
Teacher:Why are you late for school every morning?
Tom:Every time I come to the corner,a sign says,"School-Go slow".
老师:为什么你每天早晨都迟到?
汤姆:每当我经过学校的拐角处,僦看见一个牌子仩写着"学校----慢行".
Let me take it down
1．Do You Know My Work？
One night a hotel caught fire， and the people who were staying in it ran out in their night clothes．
Two men stood outside and looked at the fire．
“Before I came out，” said one，“I ran into some of the rooms and found a lot of money． People don't think of money when they're afraid． When anyone leaves paper money in a fire， the fire burns it． So I took all the bills that I could find．No one will be poorer because I took them．”
“You don't know my work，” said the other．
“What is your work？”
“I'm a policeman．
“Oh！” cried the first man． He thought quickly and said，“And do you know my work？”“No，”said the policeman．
“I'm a writer． I'm always telling stories about things that never happened．”
译文：（自己简单翻译）
你知道我是干什么的吗？
一天晚上，一家旅馆失火，住在这家旅馆里的人穿着睡 衣就跑了出来。
两个人站在外面，看着大火。
“在我出来之前，”其中一个说：“我跑进一些房间，找到了一大笔钱。人在恐惧中是不会想到钱的。如果有人把纸币留在火里，火就会把它烧成灰烬。所以我把我所能找到的钞票都拿走了。没有人会因为我拿走它们而变得更穷。”
“你不知道我是干什么的。”另一个说。
“你是干什么的？”
“我是警察。”
“噢！”第一个人喊了一声。他灵机一动，说：“那你知道我是干什么的？”“不知道。”警察说。
“我是个作家。我总是爱编一些从未发生过的故事。”
Always Thirsty
"I had an operation," said a man to his friend, "and the doctor left a sponge in me."
"That's terrible!" said the friend. "Got any pain?"
"No, but I am always thirsty!"
总感到口渴
一个男人对他的朋友说：“我动了一次手术，手术后医生把一块海绵忘在我的身体里了。”
“真是太糟糕了！”朋友说道：“你觉得疼吗？”
“不疼，可是我总感到口渴。”
A Useful Way
Father: Jack, why do you drink so much water?
Jack: I have just had an apple, Dad.
Father: What's that got to do with it?
Jack: I forgot to wash the apple.
一个有效的方法
爸爸：杰克，你干嘛喝这么多水呀？
杰克：我刚才吃了个苹果，爸爸。
爸爸：可是这跟喝水有什么关系呢？
杰克：我忘了洗苹果呀。
A Present
Kate: Mom, do you know what I'm going to give you for your birthday?
Mom: No, Honey, what?
Kate: A nice teapot.
Mom: But I've got a nice teapot.
Kate: No, you haven't. I've just dropped it.
凯特的礼物
凯特：妈妈，你知道我要给你一件什么生日礼物吗？
妈妈：不知道，宝贝，是什么呀？
凯特：一把漂亮的茶壶。
妈妈：可是我已经有一把漂亮的茶壶了呀。
凯特：不，你没有了。我刚刚把它给摔了。
The Doctor Knows Better
A man was hit by a cab in the street. He was brought to the hospital.
His wife who was standing up by his bed, said to the doctor: "I think that he is very ill."
"I am afraid that he is dead." said the doctor.
Hearing this, the man moved his head and said: "I'm not dead. I'm still alive."
"Be quiet, " said the wife. "the doctor knows better than you!"
医生懂得多
一个男人在街上被出租车撞倒送进了医院。他的妻子站在他的床前对医生说：“我想他伤得很厉害。”
医生说：“恐怕他已经死了。”
听到医生的话，这个男人转动着头说：“我没死，我还活着。”
妻子说：“安静，医生比你懂得多。”
Waste or Save?
Father: Oh, Jack, you have slept away the whole morning. Don't you know you are wasting time?
Jack: Yes, Dad. But I've saved you a meal, haven' I?
浪费还是节约
父亲：噢，杰克，你又睡了一上午。难道你不知道你这是在浪费时间吗？
杰克：我知道，爸爸。可我还给您节省了一顿饭呢，是不是？
Why Is He Howling
Dentist: Please stop howling. I haven't even touched your tooth yet.
Patient: I know, but you are standing on my foot!
他为什么喊
牙医：请你不要再喊了！我还没碰你的牙呢。
病人：我知道，可是你正踩着我的脚呀！
Let me take it down
An elephant said to a mouse ,"no doubt that you are the smallest znd most useless thing that Ihave e ver seen ."
"Pless ,say it again .Let me take it down ."the mouse said ."I will tell a flea what I know."
为我所用
一头大象对一只小老鼠说：“你无疑是我见过的最小、最没用的东西。”
“请再说一遍，让我把它记下来。”老鼠说。“我要讲给我认识的一只跳蚤听。
An old soldier often told his garden about his past war exploits.
"Once I met with a dozen enemy sol-diers and took them prisoners singlehand-ed."
"It was half a dozen enemy soldiers when you told me the story last year.But why have you added so many more this time?"
"You silly lad.You were younger last year,and I was afraid to frighten you."
While wisiting the cemetery,a sorrowful couple noticed a headstone,which read,"here lies a lawyer and a honest nan"."look at that",the woman said,"money's so tight they're putting then two in a grave."
Lawyer Jokes :
A man visiting a graveyard saw a tombstone that read, "Here lies John Kelly, a lawyer and an honest man." "How about that!" he exclaimed. "They've got three people buried in one grave."
__________________________________
These are from a book called Disorder in the Court, and are
things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and
now published by
court reporters - who had the torment of staying calm while
these exchanges were actually taking place.
__________________________________
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15th.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
_________________________________
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he
woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
_________________________________
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
__________________________________
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
__________________________________
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for
a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
A:Nice to meet you.
B:Nice to meet you,too.
C:Nice to meet you,three.
An Artist
An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time.
"I have good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman enquired about your work and
wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings."
"That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?"
An old soldier often told his garden about his past war exploits.
"Once I met with a dozen enemy sol-diers and took them prisoners singlehand-ed."
"It was half a dozen enemy soldiers when you told me the story last year.But why have you added so many more this time?"
"You silly lad.You were younger last year,and I was afraid to frighten you
BUYING A HAT
A lady went to a hat shop to buy a hat. As she was very fussy, it took her a long time to pick on one. Already at the end of his patience the salesman was afraid that she might change her mind again so he tried to flatter her: "An excellent choice, madam. You look at least ten years younger with this hat on!" To his dismay, the lady took off her hat at once and said: "I don't want a hat that makes me look ten years older as soon as I take it off. Show me some more hats!"
I'M NOT HAVING IT ALL CUT OFF.
Miles sometime went to the barber's during working hours to have his hair cut. But this was against the office rules: clerks had to have their hair cut in their own time. While Miles was at the barber's one day, the manager of the office came in by chance to have his own hair cut and sat just beside him.
"Hello, Miles," the manager said. "I see that you are having your hair cut in office time."
"Yes, sir, I am," admitted Miles calmly. "You see, sir, it grows in office time."
"Not all of it," said the manager at once. "Some of it grows in your own time."
"Yes, sir, that's quite true." Answered Miles politely, "but I'm not having it all cut off."
But the teacher cried
The six-year-old John was terribly spoiled. His father knew it, but his grandma doted on him. He hardly left her side. And when he wanted anything, he either cried or threw a temper tantrum. Then came his first day of school, his first day away from his grandmother's loving arms.
When he came home from school his grandma met him at the door.
"Was school all right?" she asked, "Did you get along all right? did you cry?"
"Cry?" John asked. "No, I didn't cry, but the teacher did!"
The difference between men and women
Jock was driving up a steep, narrow, tortuous, Scottish mountain road. A woman was driving down the same road in the opposite direction.
As they pass each other the woman leant out the window and shouted: "PIG!!"
Jock immediately leant out his window and replied with "BITCH!!"
They each continue on their way, but as Jock rounded the next corner he ran into a pig in the middle of the road....
The Clock
Hillary Clinton died and went to heaven. As she stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates she saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.
She asked, "What are all those clocks?"
St Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."
"Oh," said Hillary, "whose clock is that?"
"That's Mother Theresa's. The hands have never moved indicating that she never told a lie."
"Whose clock is that?" "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have only moved twice telling us that Abe only told 2 lies in his entire life."
"Where is Bill's clock?" Hillary asked.
"Bill's clock is in Jesus' office. He is using it as a ceiling fan."
One Engine Left
A 747 was halfway across the Atlantic when the captain got on the loud speaker, "Attention, passengers. We have lost one of our engines, but we can certainly reach London with the three we have left. Unfortunately, we will arrive an hour late as a result."
Shortly thereafter, the passengers heard the captain's voice again, "Guess what, folks. We just lost our third engine, but please be assured we can fly with only one. We will now arrive in London three hours late."
At this point, one passenger became furious. "For Pete's sake," he shouted, "If we lose another engine, we'll be up here all night!"
In the morning Mr.Smith comes into the garden at the back of his house. He sees much snow(雪) in the garden.Mr.Smith wants to take his car out, so he asks a man to clean the road from his garage(车库)to the gate(大门). He says to the man,”Don't throw any snow on that side. It will damage(损坏) flowers in the street, or the policeman will come.”Then he goes out.
When he comes back, the road is clean.There is no snow on the flowers, on the wall or in the street. But when he open the garage, he sees the garage is full of snow(被雪充满), the snow from the road, and his car is under the snow!
A beautiful young blonde woman boards a plane to LA with a ticket for the coach section. She looks at the seats in coach and then looks ahead to the first class seats. Seeing that the first class seats appear to be much larger and more comfortable, she moves forward to the last empty one. The flight attendant checks her ticket and tells the woman that her seat is in coach.
The blonde replies, "I'm young, blonde and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here all the way to LA."
Flustered, the flight attendant goes to the cockpit and informs the captain of the blonde problem. The captain goes back and tells the woman that her assigned seat is in coach.
Again, the blonde replies, "I'm young, blonde and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here all the way to LA."
The captain doesn't want to cause a commotion, and so returns to the cockpit to discuss the blonde with the co-pilot. The co-pilot says that he has a blonde girlfriend, and that he can take care of the problem. He then goes back and briefly whispers something into the blonde's ear.
She immediately gets up, says, "Thank you so much," hugs the co-pilot, and rushes back to her seat in the coach section. The pilot and flight attendant, who were watching with rapt attention, together ask the co-pilot what he had said to the woman.
He replies, "I just told her that the first class section isn't going to LA."
A man goes to church and starts talking to God. He says: "God, what is a million dollars to you?" and God says: "A penny", then the man says: "God, what is a million years to you?" and God says: "a second", then the man says: "God, can I have a penny?" and God says "In a second"
一男子进入教堂和上帝对话.他问:"主啊, 一百万美元对你意味着多少?"上帝回答:"一便士."男子又问:"那一百万年呢?"上帝说:"一秒钟."最后男子请求道:"上帝,我能得到一便士吗?"上帝回答:"过一秒钟."
Four best friends met at the hospital since their wives were giving births to their babies. The nurse comes up to the first man and says, "Congratulations, you got twins." The man said "How strange, I'm the manager of Minnesota Twins." After awhile the nurse comes up to the second man and says, "Congratulations, you got triplets." Man was like "Hmmm, strange I worked as a director for the "3 musketeers." Finally, the nurse comes up to the third man and says
"Congratulations, you got twins x2." Man is happy and says, "Ironic, I work for the hotel "4 Seasons." All three of them are happy until they see their last buddy jumping all over the place, cursing God and banging his head on the wall. They asked him what's wrong and he answered, "What's wrong? I work for 7up"!
四个好朋友在医院里碰面了,他们的妻子正在生产.护士过来对第一个男人说:"恭喜,你得了双胞胎."男人说:"多奇怪呀,我是明尼苏达双子队的经理."过了一会儿,护士过来对第二个男人说:"恭喜,你得了三胞胎."男人很喜欢:"嗯,又巧了.我是3M公司的董事."最后,护士跑来对第三个男人说:"恭喜,你得了2对双胞胎."男人很开心地说:"真令人啼笑皆非,我为四季宾馆工作."他们三个都很高兴,但第四个伙伴急得像热锅上的蚂蚁,咒骂上帝并用头撞墙.他们问他有什么不对劲,他回答道:"什么不对劲?我可是在七喜公司工作呀!"
呵呵,一个比一个效率高.
Osama Bin Laden, a Canadian, and President Bush were walking down the street when they saw a golden lamp. They rubbed it and a genie came out and said, "I will grant each one a wish that’s 3 together." The Canadian said, "I am a father and my son will be a farmer so I want the soil in Canada to be forever fertile." The genie said the magic words and the wish came true. Osama looked amazed so he wished for a wall around Afghanistan the genie said the magic words and again the wish came true. President Bush said "Genie, tell me more about this wall," the genie said,” It’s 50 feet thick and 500 feet tall so nothing can get in and nothing can get out." President Bush said,” Wow! That’s a big bridge...Fill it with water!!!
拉登,一加拿大人还有布什总统走在大街上看到一盏金色的灯.他们擦了擦灯出现了一个精灵.精灵说:"我要满足你们每人一个愿望总共三个."加拿大人说:"我是个父亲我儿子将成为农夫,因此我想让加拿大的土地永远肥沃."精灵说了咒语愿望实现了.拉登看了很惊奇,他希望有座城墙围绕阿富汗.精灵又说了咒语愿望又实现了.布什总统问:"精灵请告诉我关于这座墙的事情."精灵回答:"墙厚50英尺,高500英尺,因而里面的任何东西出不来外面的任何东西进不去."布什总统说:"哇!那是座大桥耶...注满水!!!"
My Baby Swallowed a Bullet
Young Mother: "Doctor, my baby swallowd a bullet. What shall I do ?
Doctor: "Don't point him at anybody."
Notes
1. to swallow a bullet: 吞下一颗子弹
2. to point at: 对...瞄准
allybaby
Once two hunters went hunting in the forest. One of them suddenly fell down by accident. He showed the whites of his eyes and seemed to have ceased breathing. The other hunter soon took out his mobile phone to call the emergency center for help. The operator said calmly:"First, you should make sure that he is already dead." Then the operator heard a gunshot from the other end of the phone and next he heard the hunter asking:"What should I do next?"
两个猎人进森林里打猎，其中一个猎人不慎跌倒，两眼翻白，似已停止呼吸。另一个猎人赶紧拿出手机拨通紧急求助电话。接线员沉着地说：“第一步，要先确定你的朋友已经死亡。”于是，接线员在电话里听到一声枪响，然后听到那猎人接着问：“第二步怎办？”
fool_fox
标题：I'm the boss
内容：The boss was complaining in our staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect. Later that morning he went to a local card and novelty shop and bought a small sign that read, "I'm the Boss". He then taped it to his office door.Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said. "Your wife called, she wants her sign back!"
note:staff meeting:员工会议
Wife's picture
A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks.
After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then he orders the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes that one, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini.
The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring you martinis all night long. But you go to tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill."
The customer replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife.When she starts to look good, then I know it's time to go home."
note:tavern 酒馆, 客栈
martini 马提尼酒
peek/pi;k/ n.一瞥, 匆忙看过v.偷看
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相关评论：18724767332：带特殊符号好看的网名,带有好看符号的网名
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闻舍威1.在Word文档中，在窗体最上端的主菜单栏上，有“插入”菜单项，只要用鼠标左键点击，就会出现下拉菜单，你就能看到“，特殊符号(Y)...” 这一菜单项，点击鼠标左键就可以选择你要插入的特殊符号了。2.打开输入法-在输入法状态中（就是输入法条，一个windows按钮，一个“全拼”或“五笔”按钮，...
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闻舍威http:\/\/tieba.baidu.com\/f?kz=692831729 ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇█▷尊吧后援会认证分会◁█▇▆▅▄▃▂▁ 群号及临时负责人：广东分会：36228493 临时负责人：悦Kristy 、沉沦洛洛 东北分会：45382399 临时负责人：极乐、七七 上海分会：3121235 临时负责人：yusenlin_1117 福建分会：...
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闻舍威这种叫分隔线，也叫分隔符，在贴吧、论坛里经常使用。常常被用来在同一楼里意义的分隔。例如：我们这个团队，是一个很不错的团队！各类精英都可以加入！▁▂▃▄▅▆▇█我是分隔线█▇▆▅▄▃▂▁ ←像这样就是典型的分隔线，也被称作为符号分割线。团队QQ：XXXXXXX 希望我的回答可以帮到楼主...
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闻舍威用QQ拼音输入法打“i”找到（符号&表情），然后点一下，就有很多符号和表情有个就有▁▂▃▄▅▆▇█了。
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个性篇
纯种中的小不点「吉娃娃」，具有体型小、易照料等等诸多优点，而普受生活在都会区陕小空间者的喜爱，如果能针对其可能产生的乱叫乱咬行为问题，加以疏解矫正，那么它就能生活得更自在，一辈子和饲主快乐相守了。
虽然吉娃娃的饲主，可能不承认自己的爱犬是个「小麻烦」，但吉娃娃对主人再贴心，看起来再可爱，它终究是「狗」，只要是狗就免不了具有各犬种特有的行为问题，真正有爱心的主人，不是在发现问题后就弃它於街头不顾，或者因溺爱而不去理会，对它负起教导、训练、矫正的责任，从彻底了解此犬种特性出发，寻求各种方法来帮助它，导正它适应您的日常生活作息，才会真正地从它身上获得快乐。
乱叫是因不能忍受孤独
很显然地，吉娃娃「乱叫」的问题是比「乱咬」要严重得多。吠叫原本是狗自然而且有用的天性，有了像吉娃娃这种「活门铃」，是比一般电铃实用多了，相信很多饲主都体会到它这项看家本领，但是狗吠叫是为了警告主人有可疑陌生人，或只是警告主人有片叶子掉下来了，两者之间是有很大差别的，所以，时常有人会觉得狗是在「乱叫」。运气好的话，吉娃娃的叫声并不会引起邻居抗议，但住公寓或较封闭区域中房子的人，吉娃娃若整日叫不停，想要邻居不讨厌你都不行了。如想矫正它，可以让它在对陌生人叫两声后，把它叫到身边来，然后对它安静下来不再叫的行为，加以赞许一番，如有必要，则可将此做为一种服从训练。
孤独的狗会特别爱叫，因为它想用吠叫来引起主人的注意，及减轻孤独的感觉，即使这种引起主人注意方式，换来的是一顿处罚，狗还是会用吠叫的方式来让主人「现身」。最简单的办是把狗移到它较不感孤独的地方，例如：它是因为你把它放回狗笼或其睡床而吠叫，那你就把它的床或狗笼移到你的卧室，如果让它和你「同房而眠」是不可能的，就必须采行「现身法」来矫正它的吠叫，意即当它不叫安静时，主人就出现以奖励它，每次现实的时间逐渐拉长，直到它适应看不到主人也不吠叫为止。
另外主人也可以在每日就寝时，给吉娃娃一些特制的咀嚼玩具，以分散它的注意力，对减轻吠叫应有帮助。如果主人需让幼犬单独整天留在家里，则又是另一大挑战，最简单的改善办法大概就是再买一只吉娃娃来跟它作伴了。
害怕和主人分开使它想破坏
如果你在下班回家后，发现家里一团糟，活像遭小偷，或被疯狗破门而入肆虐，不敢相信那小不点吉娃娃的牙齿和脚趾有这么大的破坏力，在报警前还是先查看一下你的小不点吧！因为吉娃娃体型虽小，但它的意志力很强而且很性急，如果把它单独留在家里，它是极有可能破坏它所分享的居家。成犬可能会因为受到挫折或一时无聊，而乱挖或破坏物品，要矫正这种情况，应每日和它做一些基本的身体及心理互动，例如让它追追球及练习几个服从口令。
最常引起吉娃娃破坏反常行为的原因，最所谓的「分离焦虑症」，这点也是最被大众误解的。有些主人在时像小天使般的吉娃娃，一旦被单独留在家里时，就会变成可怕的破坏狂，主人把这种善恶双重性格归因为它对主人离开的报复，或认为他们的狗只是有行为问题，因它们知道这样做可引起注意。但细心的主人则将发现，独处的狗在破坏之外还有一些异常之处，首先，当狗在主人回家之后出现极度不安情绪，另外，被它破坏的地方通常是门、窗或篱笆附近，暗示著它想要脱逃的企图。对社交性动物来说，被单独留在家里是处在极高度压力之下，在引起焦虑而做出破坏反应后，一般主人回到家看到这种破坏情况，便会对狗加以处罚，但处罚并不能减轻狗在独处时引起的焦虑，如果主人处罚它，到最后它会把焦虑和主人返家联结在一起，使得破坏行为变本加厉。
狗似乎可以了解到：当房子被搞得稀巴烂时，我的主人就会出现，然后我被处罚。但它并不了解的是：当我把房子搞得乱七八糟，主人回来后，我将因此被处罚，因为如果它们能懂为何被处罚，那这个处罚动作便可纠正它的破坏行为，但事实显然并非如此。换句话说，主人必须了解自己在处理的是一种对恐惧的反应，而这种恐惧来自独处。对小狗因恐惧而加以处罚显然是行不通的，而是应设法让它克服对分离的死恐惧。这可藉由和狗短暂分开，然后逐渐拉长分开时间来导正它，但绝勿让狗在矫正练习时感到不安，当进行到与狗较长时间的分开时，情况就会较复杂，让狗练习长时间与主人分开的地点，最好和之前进行较短时间练习的地点不同，且最好就主人希望在矫正练习之后，要把狗单独留下的地方。在所有练习过程中，不管是短时间或长时间和狗分开，主人回到家后都要很冷静地和狗打招呼，甚至几分钟之内故意不理会它，以便向它强调被单独留在家里并不是什么大不了的事。然后让它做一些小动作或服从动作，以便你可藉机来夸奖它，这些训练需要很大耐心，而且要能自我节制，毕竟经常让狗独处，产生破坏行为，对你和对狗都是不公平的。
乱大小便可能生病了
当狗出现在室内随地大小便的行为问题，首先得先确定此犬是否曾受过完整的固定便溺训练，如果没有，饲主就得要重新加以训练。有时候已有固定便溺习惯的狗，也会因为拉肚子而不得已「就地解决」，但之后就开始在同一地方大小便，此时饲主应限制狗不要再到此一区域来，另再给予固定便溺的习惯训练。
顺服性高的狗有可能会以洒尿方式来和主人打招呼，处罚它只会让这种「服从尿法」更糟。只要在发生此情况时冷淡对它，不要低头看它，这种情况当它长大后就会自然消失。有些狗乱大小便是因分离焦虑症引起，主人应针对焦虑原因处理，以治疗此症状。老狗可能只是膀胱无力而乱尿，以报纸尿法训练它或装个狗门让它随时可进出方便即可。摘除卯巢的老母狗可能会有滴尿情况，可请教兽医有关雌激素补充剂即可解决。年轻的狗若泌尿系统遭感染，同样会有尿失禁情形，若发现地上有一些水尿滴，就是该带它去看兽医了。公狗如有在屋内抬脚乱尿情况，可以去势来解决，否则就只好多用一些除臭剂或到宠物店买一些反制狗乱尿的芳香剂来用了。
怕生，不喜欢陌生人乱摸
吉娃娃虽是天生很勇敢的犬种，但却对陌生人竹??畏惧、怕生，仅适合单一家庭或个人饲养。有些吉娃娃会过度畏惧陌生人，变成很羞怯或恐惧症。千万不可让吉娃娃处在陌生不知所措的状况下。有一种渐进式降低恐惧症的训练法，是让狗先接触陌竹扛的人或物，然后对它的冷静加以奖励，这种方法很费时，却是减轻恐惧的最佳方法，但绝不可把陌生的吉娃娃给它不熟悉的陌生人抚弄，这样不但无法帮它克服恐惧，且会让陌生人对它的刺激更大。饲主应让陌生人不要理会羞怯的狗，甚至不要接近它，因狗似乎更怕陌生人的关注，而不是害怕陌生人本身而已。
当猜表现害怕时，饲主不可太溺爱它，因为会更加强它这种异常行为。如果你的吉娃娃懂得一些简单的口令，让它表现一下动作，可藉机奖赏它，同时也增加它的安全感，因它知道它应该做什么。不管它是在害怕陌生人、狗、车子、打雷或独处，处理要点都一样，即是不可太心急，并绝不把它丢到让它感到害怕的状况中。
矫正攻击性需对症下药
才一丁点大的吉娃娃，它的牙齿还是有很可观的破坏力，纠正攻击性的最佳对策是预防，最好预防则是向可信赖的繁殖者购买仔犬。吉娃娃的犬种标准中曾指出它具○犬性格，而○类易怒是众所皆知的，因此很多人把吉娃娃的攻击行为问题，归咎为犬种本性，其实易怒的态度表现并非攻击性。侨正的方法，不是把有攻击性的吉娃娃隔离在家中过一生，而不去矫正它的攻击性，这样对它的恶习是没有帮助的。所以除应带它去看兽医外，尽可能把她送到供寄宿的犬舍去，让它在陌生的状况下逐渐放松，直到不再企图咬陌生人为止，便可完成矫正。如果吉娃娃因无法闪避陌生幼童的抚弄，而发生乱咬情况，这也是主人的责任，一旦发现这种异常行为，务必尽早设法矫正。
吉娃娃有一项令人著迷的特性，就是它会保护主人及其领土，但饲主应教它学会不要对客人无礼嗥叫。饲主应教导吉娃娃在客人来访时，能做正确的行为如「坐下」、「不动」等，如果它做对了动作可让客人喂它一些零嘴。
有些主人会强迫吉娃娃让陌生人抚摸，这也有可能使它因感到害怕而乱咬人，解决办法是找到它所害怕的是什么？并加以解除。还有一点要注意，人类总以四目交接，注视对方以示诚恳，但狗却把这种直接目视诠释为威胁，有可能因害怕而产生自卫性的咬人。
当家中有客人或幼儿来访时，主人若急著把吉娃娃赶出客厅，也可能会引起它的愤怒而咬人。矫正的方法仍是教导它一些简单的口令如坐下、不要动，来使它在客人或幼童来时能做出正确举止，然后在客人来之前，故意不理它，让狗把受到主人关心和客人及幼童联想在一陛A觉得是客人来才让它受到主人关爱和得到赞赏。当然，如果小孩子因无知很粗鲁作弄你的吉娃娃，导致被咬，饲主是不能怪它这种自卫咬人的行为，而是应责怪自己不该让这种情况发生。
至於吉娃娃会攻击陌生的犬只，则并不是什么不正常的行为，但饲主们最好仍能教导它们在出外时，不要对其他狗「凶巴巴」的。其实问题较多的是两只生活在同一屋詹下的狗，但却不能和平相处。它们可能会为谁有统治权而不断发生打架攻击行为，直到有一方取得主导权为止。但这种争权架随时会因双方主人争宠而再爆发。取得主导权的狗，会期待比它的败将得到较多主人的关爱，做为公平的主人，你应试著公平对待双方，甚至更疼爱「败将」，胜狗便会认为遭到败狗的叛变，「打败它反而是帮它」的想法一旦建立，自然两只狗大概就不相打了，还是和平相处较省力气。
介绍篇
一．外貌：体型娇小、伶俐、表情动人、动作敏捷，全世界公认之最小型犬种，归属于玩赏犬类(TOY GROUP)。
二．性格：伶俐、警戒心强，并具有类似“梗犬”之战斗性格。
三．基准：
1.体重：不超过6磅约为2.7 Kg以下，公母皆同，而以1～1.8Kg最为理想。
2.头部：头盖骨须发育良好，呈西洋建筑之圆顶屋形，颊部与颧部倾斜少肉，口吻尖短稍圆，鼻梁直而长度适中，鼻镜小而略呈尖锐，鼻头颜色依照毛色差异而有所不同，例：黄白花色 (yellow and white flower). 红色(red)、黑色(black) .)为上品色犬，鼻头以暗色为佳！但白皮肤（无黑斑者）及金色毛(gold)，鼻色为肉色是可被接受！
3.眼睛：大而圆，但不能过於凸出，两眼间距稍开颜色以暗色明亮为主，尤以暗褐色或宝石色为佳！
4.耳朵：大型立耳、微向后翘、紧张或警戒时呈竖立状，放松自然时两耳角度约为45度，两耳保持一定之间距。
5.牙齿：白晰坚硬，呈平齿切端咬合或铗状锯齿咬合。
6.颈肩部：颈部稍呈拱形，肩胛高，表现出优雅之弧线。
7.背腰部：背部短而呈水平，背线水平长度须较高度长些许，公犬的身体要稍短，臀部稍呈拱形。
8.尾部：短毛种为扁尾，长度适中，呈镰刀状，朝上或与背线成卷曲型，其尖端（尾尖）和背线，刚好能接触到为止(不能重叠)，长毛种，尾巴上的被毛亦与躯体上之被毛和谐。
9.胸腹部：肩部适度地朝背线倾斜，但不可下倾或太低，前胸丰满发达，肋骨圆而紧绷，腹部紧凑，生殖器健全。
10.四肢：前肢直挺，肘部动作自然，膝部强而有力，并微向前倾，趾部小而紧密，但应分开良好；趾部应紧硬有弹性，指甲须坚硬不易裂，色泽依毛色不同而有所不同，以合谐搭配为佳。
11.被毛：短毛种被毛应是柔软紧密且有光泽(内层毛较厚是被允许的)，并良好的覆盖于全身，而头部与耳朵的被毛较稀少；长毛种其毛质应是柔软平直，并具有长而卷曲之被毛，四肢与趾部要有被毛覆盖，尾巴之饰毛要长且呈束状。
12.毛色：任何认定色皆可，若为单一色调时，可允许具有斑点。
13.失格：隐睾、断尾、短尾、被毛稀疏。
14.重大缺陷：单睾、极端咬合不正、体重超过6磅。
15.轻微缺陷：轻度咬合不正、垂耳。
16.评分标准：
长毛种 短毛种
头部(眼睛)－20 % 体格－20 %
体格－20 % 体格－20 %
被毛－20 % 被毛－10 %
尾巴－5 % 尾巴－5 %
颜色－5 % 颜色－5 %
前后肢－10 % 前后肢－15 %
重量－5 % 重量－10 %
静姿与行进间步容－15 % 静姿与行进间步容－15 %
美容篇
[吉娃娃的美容]
吉娃娃虽然是一种非常好的犬种但是也难免会需要梳理和清洁。如果你的吉娃娃是一只光毛型的，那一周一次梳洗就可以保持它光鲜亮丽的外表了。一只软毛针刷就可以为它进行梳理。但是如果你的吉娃娃是长毛型的，那么你就得每周为它梳理两到三次了。有些长毛型吉娃娃的主人愿意定期将它们带到专业美容师那里去美容，这样可以减免日常的梳理。这个主意很不错，但是你要注意很小就开始让你的吉娃娃习惯这项活动，否则会给它们造成很大的压力。适当的修饰也包括吉娃娃的眼睛。要保持眼睛的清洁，应该定期为吉娃娃的眼睛里滴一些洗眼液，然后用棉花轻轻擦拭。由于吉娃娃的眼睛突出，它们眼睛的分泌物就容易形成泪痕，这在浅毛色的吉娃娃看来是非常明显的。滴眼液可以减淡或去除吉娃娃的泪痕。这项工作应该每周进行1到两次。最后，不要忘了给你的吉娃娃进行尾部的修剪和洗澡。以上的工作全部完成后，就可以使你的吉娃娃长期保持光鲜亮丽的外型了。
吉娃娃的被毛：光毛型和长毛型
对于吉娃娃的长相，我们都有着基本的印象了，但是你知道吗？吉娃娃是有两种主要被毛类型的：那就是光毛型和长毛型的吉娃娃。光毛型的吉娃娃，被毛的质地是光滑、有光泽的；但是毛质要比长毛型的吉娃娃粗糙。有些吉娃娃的被毛要比其他的厚，而且会有"底层绒毛"。这个种类的完美被毛应该是一层被毛覆盖全身（耳部和头部较为稀少）环绕颈项，尾部也有少量皮毛。长毛型的吉娃娃，被毛的质地应该为柔软，平顺或有着些微的卷曲，耳部有着可爱的边缘饰毛，尾部有着丰富的毛发。他们的尾部和足部有着轻微的羽状饰毛，后腿部分应该有长毛覆盖。被毛不够丰厚的吉娃娃在比赛中是会被取消资格的。
很多繁育者都指出长毛型的吉娃娃的性格要比短毛型的吉娃娃更加温和优雅（虽然有些人并不同意这个观点）。通常，长毛型的吉娃娃都会比短毛型的需要更加频繁的梳洗，它们胸前的饰毛（一般叫"围兜）非常容易被弄脏和打结。臀部尤其是肛门附近的毛发更应该及时清理，为了减少排泄物和脏东西的附着，最好把肛门附近的毛发剪短；或者经常为它们洗澡。无论你的吉娃娃拥有什么类型的被毛，经常梳理都会保持它们毛发的干净整洁。
吉娃娃的健康问题
虽然吉娃娃一般都会很健康，但是它们也会有一些容易得的特殊疾病需要注意，无论是成年的还是幼年的都一样。幼犬出生16周的时候，这个问题就应该提上考虑的日程了。吉娃娃，由于兴奋、上颚的毛病、灰尘、花粉、冷空气或气管问题，容易引起"倒转喷嚏"。这时它的声音听起来就好象吹气，或者像鹅叫，或者大声喘息。吉娃娃的另一个易患疾病就是低血糖，那是因为它们的体型过小，肝脏中不能储存太多的脂肪而致。这种疾病在成年的吉娃娃和幼犬身上都有可能发现，其中幼犬的发病几率要高一些。 吉娃娃和人一样，身体需要基本的脂肪酸。比如Omega 3和Omega 6是帮助身体细胞膜生长的，没有了他们，身体的化学机能就不能正常运做。Omega 6这种脂肪酸是不能在吉娃娃体内自行生成的，所以一定要保证它们的食物中含有适量的Omega 6。 如果想判断你的吉娃娃是否缺少必要的脂肪酸，你可以检查它的皮肤是否会有大块的皮屑、被毛是否晦暗、是否油腻，或者质地非常脆弱。如果出现这些现象，那么基本上可以肯定你的吉娃娃缺少这些必要的脂肪酸了。
其他需要注意的可能是属于脂肪酸的现象为：1.关节炎或类似关节炎的症状 2.长期搔痒 3.干燥的鼻子 4.皮肤上出现疹子 5.被毛散发出难闻的气味 6.虚弱 7.心脏和循环系统的问题 8.生长缓慢 9.学习能力和视力的减退 10.肾脏或肝脏问题 11.缺少活力 12.雄性的不育 13.流产 14.长期的大量脱毛 15.抗病力差
不要忘记吉娃娃是一种非常容易肥胖的犬种。要维持它们完美的体型，就需要健康的食谱、定期的检查和定期的散步；并且需要定期称重。肥胖是引起冠心病的主要诱因，如果你的吉娃娃过于肥胖，你就会发现它们的健康状况会恶化地很快，寿命也会减短许多。
由于幼犬的免疫系统尚未发育完全，所以很容易感染螨虫、细小病毒、心肌炎或双孢子球虫等疾病。而且如果你的幼犬不进行免疫的话，就很容易通过嗅闻周遭的环境而感染病毒。
The librarian went over to the small, noisy boy. "Please be quiet!" she admonished. "The people near you can't read!"
"They can't?" the lad said inquisitively. "Then what are they doing here?"
妙问
图书管理员走到不安静的小男孩身边。“请安静！”她告诫道。“你周围的人看不了书！”
“看不了？”小孩好奇地问道。“那他们在这儿干什么？”
An Energetic wife
Neighbour: I heard a big noise in front of your house last night. What happened to you?
Husband: It was nothing. My wife was a bit cross, and threw my overcoat out of the window.
Neighbour : Your overcoat? But how could it make such a noise?
Husband: I… I happened to be inside the coat.
精力旺盛的妻子
邻居：昨天夜里我听见你家屋前有很大的声音，你们出了什么事吗？
丈夫：没什么。我的妻子有点不高兴，把我的大衣给扔到窗外去了。
邻居：你的大衣？扔大衣怎么会有那么大的声音？
丈夫：我……我恰好也在大衣里面。
3.A Satisfactory Substitute
A neighbor boy knocked at the door.
"Can Timmy come out and play with me?" he asked.
"I'm sorry, but Timmy is taking his nap," Timmy's mother replied.
"Then can Timmy's new bike come out and play?" he inquired hopefully.
满意的替换
邻居的男孩敲门。
“蒂米能出来和我玩吗？”他问道。
“对不起，蒂米正睡午觉呢，”蒂米的妈妈答道。
“那蒂米的新自行车能出来玩吗？”他满怀希望地问道。
4. More Experienced
"Your Honor," the accused hit-and-run driver's lawyer pleaded, "that man who was injured must have been careless. My client is an experienced driver of more than 20 years."
"If experience is the issue here, " the other attorney countered, "my client has been walking for over fifty years.
更是老手
“大人，”被告逃逸司机的律师辩护说，“那个受伤的人一定是自己粗心。我的当事人是一个有20多年驾龄的老手。”
“如果这里的问题在于经验的话，”另一位律师说，“我的当事人已有了50多年的走龄。”
5. Not Difficult
The duck hunters had been waiting hours for some ducks to show up. Finally a lone duck flew by and everybody missed except one hunter who had been belting down a bottle of whiskey.
His pals asked him how on earth he had hit the thing.
"That's easy, " he replied, "you ought to be able to hit something when a flock that big goes by."
一点不难
打野鸭的猎手一连几小时等着野鸭露面。终于一只孤鸭飞了过来。除了一个灌了一瓶威士忌的人，别人都没打中。
同伴问他究竟是怎么射中的。
“一点儿不难，”他答道，“当那么一大群飞过时，你总能打到点什么。”
6.Vice-president
A man who had just been promoted to vice-president boasted so much about it to his wife that she finally retorted, "Vice-presidents are a dozen a dime. Why, in the supermarket they even have a vice-president in charge of prunes."
Furious, the husband phoned the supermarket in the expectation of refuting his wife. He asked to speak to the vice-president in charge of prunes.
"Which kind? " was the reply. "Fresh or dried? "
副总裁
刚被提升为副总裁的丈夫向妻子大吹大擂，妻子终于反驳道：“副总裁一毛钱买一打。你看超级市场里甚至有一名负责李子的副总裁呢。”
恼怒的丈夫立即给超级市场打电话，准备驳斥妻子。他要求与负责李子的副总裁通话。
“管哪方面的？”对方答道。“鲜货还是干货？”
7.Smart Customer
The butcher placed his last roast on the scale. "That'll be $ 3.95, " he told the customer.
"That one's too small. "
The canny butcher returned the roast to the refrigerator, paused a moment, then took it out again. "This one, " he announced, "will be $ 4.80. "
The customer smiled, "I'll take them both. "
聪明的顾客
屠夫把最后一块烤肉放在磅秤上。“3元9角5分，”他对顾客说。
“这块太小。”
狡猾的屠夫把烤肉放回冰箱里，过了一会儿，又将它取了出来。“这块，”他吆喝道，“4元8角。”
顾客笑道：“两块我都要了。”
8.Sudden Realization
Two teenagers on a tour of a modern art gallery found themselves alone in a room of modern sculpture. Staring at the twisted pipes, broken glass, and tangled shapes, one of them said, "Let's get out of here before they accuse us of wrecking this place. "
恍然大悟
两个少年去参观一家当代艺术美术馆，发现在现代雕塑的一间展室里只有他们两人。看着那些扭曲的铁管、破碎的玻璃和杂乱的形状，其中一个说道：“咱们出去吧，别让人家以为是咱们把这儿糟踏成这个样子的。”
9.Full Name
"Do you know the name of the little boy who sits behind you, Rosalie? " Mother asked the first-grader.
"His name is Jimmy, " Rosalie answered.
"Jimmy who? " asked Mother.
"His whole name is Jimmy Sitdown, " said Rosalie, "that's what the teacher calls him. "
全名
“罗莎莉，知道你后面坐的小男孩叫什么吗？”妈妈问上一年级的女儿。
“他叫吉米，”罗莎莉答道。
“吉米什么？”妈妈追问道。
“他的全名叫吉米·坐下，”罗莎莉说，“老师就那么叫他的。”
10.Not That Bad
"It looks like a bad storm is coming up, " said the hostess, "you'd better stay for dinner. "
"Oh, thanks, " said the guest absently, "but I don't think it will be that bad. "
还不至于如此
“看来要下暴雨了，”女主人说，“你还是留下来吃晚饭吧。”
“谢谢，”客人心不再焉地回答道，“但我看还不至于如此。”
11.Result Of Laziness
A teacher asked a class to write an essay on "The Result of Laziness. "
And what a bright but lazy boy in the class handed in as his composition was but a blank sheet of paper.
懒惰的结果
老师要求学生写一篇作文，题目是“懒惰的结果。”
班上一个男孩既懒又聪明，他交上来的只是一张白纸。
12.Only One Who Could Answer
His name was Johnny, and one day he came home from school looking so miserable that his mother was worried. "What is wrong? " She finally asked. Out of his trousers pocket, Johnny fished a note from the teacher which said, "Johnny has been a very naughty boy. Please have a serious talk with him. "
"What did you do? " asked Mother.
"Nothing, " sobbed Johnny, "except that the teacher asked a question and I was the only one who could answer it. "
"H'm , " murmured Mother, "what was the question? "
"Who put the dead mouse in my drawer? " answered Johnny.
只有他能答得出
一天，约翰尼放学回家后脸色特别难看，他妈妈非常焦急。“怎么啦？”她问道。约翰尼从裤兜里掏出老师的一张便条，上面写着：“约翰尼这孩子非常调皮，请认真地和他谈谈。”
“你干什么了？”妈妈问道。
“没什么，”约翰尼抽泣道，“就是老师问了一个问题，只有我答得出。”
“嗯，”妈妈沉吟道，“那是什么问题呢？”
“是谁把死耗子放在我抽屉里的？”约翰尼答道。
13.What Lincoln Did?
Father: Get up, son. When Lincoln was your age, do you know what he was doing?
Son: No, Dad, I don't. But I do know what he was doing when he was your age.
林肯在干什么？
父亲：儿子，快起床。林肯在你这么大年龄的时候，你知道他在干什么吗？
儿子：不知道，不过我确实知道他在你那么大年纪时在干什么。
14.Good Answer
Interviewing an applicant for a chauffeur's job, a man said, "Now, I want a very careful chauffeur, one who doesn't take the slightest risk. "
The applicant responded, "I'm your man, sir. Can I have my salary in advance? "
妙答
在招聘司机面试时，主考人说道：“我所需要的，是一个十分小心的司机，绝对不冒任何危险。”
应试者答道：“先生，我正是你要的人。我能预支工资吗？”
15.Hint
Leaving a plush dinner club one night, a miserly gentleman stalked right past the doorman without tipping him.
Nevertheless, the doorman helped the man into the car with a flourish and said pleasantly, "By the way, in case you happen to lose your wallet on the way home, sir , just remember that you didn't pull it out here. "
暗示
一天晚上，在离开一家豪华的餐馆俱乐部时，一位吝啬的先生大摇大摆地从服务员身边径直走过而没有给小费。
尽管如此，服务员还是潇洒地把那个人送进车里，并愉快地说道：“顺便说一句，如果你在回家的路上碰巧丢了钱包，千万记住，你没在这儿掏过。”
16.Good Reason
First mechanic: Which do you prefer, leather or fabric for the upholstery in cars?
Second mechanic: I like fabrics. Leather is too hard to wipe your hands on.
好理由
修理工甲：汽车里的车套你喜欢哪种，皮革的还是化纤的？
修理工乙：化纤的。皮革的擦手太硬了。
17.Postage
If it's true the world's getting smaller, why do they keep raising the price of postage?
邮费
如果这个世界真的是越来越小，那为什么邮费总是在涨？
18.Dumb Action
The teacher asked his pupils to write an essay telling what they would do if they had a million dollars. Every student except Willie began writing immediately.
Willie sat idle, twiddling his fingers and watching the flies on the ceiling.
"How is this , Willie? " asked the teacher. "Is this your essay? All the other pupils have written two sheets or more while you haven't done anything!"
"Well, " replied Willie, "that's what I'd do if I had a million dollar!"
哑剧
老师让学生写篇作文，谈谈他们如果有100万美元会干什么。所有的学生立刻写了起来，威利却不然。
他坐着发呆，搓着手指头，盯着天花板上的苍蝇。
“怎么了，威利？”老师问道。“你就这样写作文吗？其他同学都写了2页或更多了，而你什么都没干！”
“是啊，”威利应道，“我要是有100万美元的话，那就是这个样子。”
19.Reason
A mother asked her son who had just returned from a youth group's car-washing project, "What was the least amount anyone paid you? "
He replied, "One man gave us just fifty cents. "
His mother said, "That's not very much. "
"I know, " he explained, "but maybe it's because we hosed his car before the windows were rolled up. "
原因
儿子参加少年洗车小组活动回来后，妈妈问道：“钱给得最少的是多少？”
他答道：“有个人只给了5毛钱。”
妈妈说：“是不多。”
“我知道不多，”儿子解释道，“或许是由于他还没摇上窗户，我们就开始冲水的缘故。”
20.Typical
A wife was telling her neighbor about her fishing trip with her husband, "I did everything wrong on the trip. I talked too loud, I made too much noise, I used the wrong bait, I reeled in too soon, and I caught more fish than he did. "
典型的
一位妻子正向邻居谈她和丈夫的钓鱼之行：“我一路上尽出错。我说话声音太高，弄出的响声太大，我用错了鱼饵，起钩太早，可我抓到的鱼比他多。”
21.Fond Of Him
"I suppose the baby is fond of you, " said the visitor to the new father.
"Fond of me? Why, he sleeps all day when I'm not at home and stays up all night to enjoy my company, " answered the proud father.
偏爱
“看来宝宝挺喜欢你的，”客人对刚当上爸爸的主人说道。
“喜欢？可不，我不在家的时候他整天睡觉，然后整晚不睡让我陪着他，”自豪的父亲答道。
22.A Long Time
Greta Garbo was invited to a Hollywood dinner which was attended also by Dr. Albert Einstein. Having some vague idea as to Dr. Einstein's status, Greta turned to him during the dinner and remarked, "Doctor, I understand that you have a great theory. Won't you please explain it all to me? "
"My dear lady, " said Einstein, "I' m afraid there will not be time enough during the dinner to explain the theory of relativity, but perhaps I can tell you about the law of gravitation, which is really a prerequisite. "
So Dr. Einstein went on to tell her all about the phenomenon of gravity and its consequences. Upon the conclusion of his discourse, Greta seemed very impressed and said to him, "Well, for goodness' sake, Doctor, how long has this been going on? "
许久
格丽泰·嘉宝应邀出席好莱坞晚宴，阿尔伯特·爱因斯坦博士也在场。格丽泰对爱因斯坦博士的身份有些模糊印象，因而就在席间转向他说道：“博士，好像你有一个伟大的理论。能否请你解释一遍？”
爱因斯坦说：“亲爱的女士，这会儿解释相对论恐怕时间不够。不过或许我可以给你讲讲引力定律，这其实是个前提条件。”
接着爱因斯坦博士就开始向她讲解引力现象及其后果。听完讲解之后，格丽泰似乎很受启发，对他说道：“天哪，博士，这一现象出现多久了？”
23.Not Fair
Two fishermen sitting on a bridge, their lines in the water, made a bet as to who would catch the first fish. One of them got a bite on his line and got so excited that he fell off the bridge.
"Oh, well, " said the other, "if you're going to dive for them, the bet's off!"
不公平
两个垂钓者坐在桥上，鱼线在水里漂着，他们打赌看谁能先钓到鱼。其中一个发现鱼咬了钩，因过于激动竟掉下桥去。
“哎，”另一个说道，“如果你下水摸鱼，这个赌就没法打了！”
24.Football
Seeing his first American football game, the Englishman watched one of the teams go into a huddle.
"What do you think of it? " asked his American friend.
"It's not a bad sport, " he observed, "but they have too many committee meetings. "
橄榄球
一个英国人第一次看橄榄球比赛，发现其中一个队挤成一团。
“你觉得怎么样？”他的美国朋友问道。
“这种运动不错，”他评论道，“就是他们的碰头会开得太多。”
25.Doctor And Mechanic
Doctor Smith phoned Mike, his mechanic, in middle of the night and said, "It's my engine again, Mike. I can't get it started. That car is one big headache! "
"Well, Doctor, take two aspirins and phone me again in the moring. "
医生和修理工
史密斯大夫半夜里打电话给他的汽车修理工迈克说：“又是我汽车发动机的问题，迈克。我发动不了，这车子真是让人头痛！”
“那么，大夫，吃两片阿斯匹林吧，明天早上再打电话给我。”
26.Walking Dog
The little boy was making a manful effort to lead a large, shaggy dog. "Where are you taking him? " he was asked.
"I don't know yet, " the lad replied, "but when he makes up his mind where he wants to go, I'm going to take him there. "
遛狗
一个小男孩正学大人模样，费力地牵着一条长毛大狗。“带它去哪儿啊？”有人问他。
“还不知道呢，”小孩答道，“但如果狗想好了去哪儿，我就带它去哪儿。”
27.Who For Whom
Dismayed by the size of the Newfoundland dog given to him for his birthday, the small boy wanted to know, "Is he for me, or am I for him ?"
谁给谁
小男孩生日时得到一条纽芬兰狗。狗的块头令他害怕不已，便问道：“是把它给我呢，还是把我给它？”
28.Keep It Confidential
"Don't you and your wife ever have a difference of opinion? "
"Sure we do -- but I don't tell her about it. "
保密
“你和你妻子从来没有过不同意见吗？”
“当然有——但我不告诉她。”
29.Stranger
A young mother put her two children to bed, then changed into an oversized sweat shirt and an old pair of blue jeans and proceeded to wash her hair. All during the shampoo she could hear the youngsters growing wilder and noisier.
She finished as quickly as she could, wrapped a large towel around her head, stormed into the children's room and put them back to bed with a stern warning to stay there.
As she left she heard her two-year-old say to his brother in a trembling voice, "who was that? "
陌生人
年轻的妈妈把两个孩子安顿在床上，换上一件肥大的汗衫和一条旧牛仔裤，开始洗头。刚在头上倒上香波，她听到两个小家伙闹得越来越凶了。
她匆忙洗完头，头上裹了条大毛巾，冲进孩子们的房间，把他们放回床上，厉声警告他们呆在那儿。
当她离开时，她听到自己两岁的孩子用颤抖的声音问自己的哥哥：“那是谁？”
30.Inflation
"With the high price of food, my shopping habits have changed, " commented the housewife, "now I fill the shopping cart with money and put the food in my purse. "
通货膨胀
“食品涨价后，我的购物习惯也变了，”家庭主妇评说道，“现在我用购物车装钱，用钱包装食品。”
33.Salesmanship
The sales manager was approached by some little Girl Scouts peddling cookies. "Why do you want to see me? " he asked.
"Because you are so handsome, " smiled one little girl.
He bought twelve boxes and went back to his desk murmuring, "There is no brighter sales tool than truth. "
推销术
几名销售糕点的女童子军找到销售经理。他问道：“你们为何要见我？”
“因为你长得帅，”一个小女孩笑着说道。
他买了12盒，回到自己的办公桌前，自言自语地说道：“没有比说真话更聪明的推销手段了。”
35.Accurate
He had found fault with his secretary for altering a sentence in a letter he had dictated.
"I don't want you to think, " roared the great man, "I want you to take down my words accurately and then type them, neither adding nor leaving out anything I may say. "
Later in the afternoon the typist brought back the following letter:
"Dear Smyth: Spell it with a "y" , though that's pure swank on his part. In answer to your letter of--look up the date. We can quote you--tell me, Walter, what's the most we can charge this old buzzard? Very well. We can quote you $ 50 a ton for the goods. If he accepts we shall have to make sure of our money beforehand, for I don't trust him. Awaiting the pleasure of your valued order, yours faithfully."
精确
他发现了秘书把他口述的一封信的句子作了调整。
“我不需要你有思想，”这位大人物吼道，“我只需要你准确地记下我的话，然后打出来——不要在我说的话里增删任何东西。”
当天下午，打字员送回来如下的一封信：
“亲爱的史米斯：把‘密’改成‘米’，就他喜欢出风头。兹复——查查日期——来函。我们可以向你报价——告诉我，沃尔特，我们最高可以向这个老贪虫开什么价？很好。我们可以向你报价50美元每吨货。如果他接受了，我们得先确保咱们先拿到钱，因为我不信任他。恭候佳音。你诚挚的。”
38.It Changed Him
"I'm glad to find you as you were, "said the old friend. "Your wealth hasn't changed you. "
"Well, " replied the candid millionaire, "it has changed me in one thing. I'm now‘ eccentric’ where I used to be impolite, and ‘delightfully witty’ where I used to be rude. "
改变
“我很高兴你还是老样子，”老朋友说道，“你的财富并没有改变你。”
率直的百万富翁答道：“还是变了一点：过去的无礼成了现在的‘与众不同’，过去的粗鲁成了现在的‘机敏’。”
39.Specialty
First surgeon (leaving operating room):That was close!
Second surgeon: What do you mean?
First surgeon: An inch either way and I would have been out of my specialty.
专业
第一个外科大夫（正要离开手术室）：真玄哪！
第二个外科大夫：怎么啦？
第一个外科大夫：无论向哪边超出1英寸，我就越出自己的专业了。
40.A Problem
The new minister's family was presented with a pie baked by one of the congregation who was a rather poor cook. The pie was inedible, so the minister's wife reluctantly threw it into the garbage.
The preacher was faced with the problem of thanking the lady, while at the same time being truthful. After much thought, he sent the following note:
"Dear Mrs. Jones: Thank you for being so kind and thoughtful. I can assure you that pie like yours never lasts long at our house! "
头疼事
新牧师收到一份馅饼礼品，是教区1名技术欠佳的人烤的。馅饼无法食用，因此牧师的妻子只好将它扔进了垃圾桶。
牧师面临的问题是，既要感谢那位女士，同时又要说真话。绞尽脑汁之后，他送去这样一张便条：
“亲爱的琼斯夫人：感谢你的好意和周到。我可以向你保证，像你馈赠的那种馅饼在我家从来就搁不住！”
42.Her Prayer
Louise, a little girl who had begun life in a happy-go-lucky household, went to spend a few days with a very strict aunt.
One evening, after a trying day when she had been scolded for her small faults even more than usual, she said her evening prayer. As the aunt passed the bedroom door, she heard, "…and please, make all the bad people good, and the good people a little easier to live with. "
她的祷告
过惯了逍遥自在生活的小女孩路易丝，到她非常严厉的姨妈家过了几天。
一天，她因为一些小事受到比平时更多的训斥。在难熬的白天过后，她做了晚祷告。当姨妈从她的卧室门口经过时，她听到：“……还有，请一定让所有的坏人都变好，让好人好处一些。”
He Won
Tommy: How is your little brother, Johnny? Johnny: He is ill in bed. He hurt himself.
Tommy: That's too bad. How did that happen?
Johnny: We played who could lean furthest out of the window, and he won.
他赢了
汤姆：约翰尼，你小弟弟好吗？
约翰尼：他害病卧床了。他受了伤。
汤姆：真糟糕，怎么回事儿？
约翰尼：我们做游戏，看谁能把身子探出窗外最远，他赢了。
I Have His Ear in My Pocket
Ivan came home with a bloody nose and his mother asked, "What happened?"
"A kid bit me," replied Ivan.
"Would you recognize him if you saw him again?" asked his mother.
"I'd know him any where," said Ivan. "I have his ear in my pocket."
他的耳朵在我衣兜里
伊凡鼻子流着血回到家里。他妈妈问，“发生了什么事？”
“一个男孩咬了我一口，”伊凡说。
“再见到他你能认出来吗？”妈妈问。
“他走到哪里我都能认出他，”伊凡说。“他的耳朵还在我衣兜里呢。”
A Good Boy
Little Robert asked his mother for two cents. "What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday?"
"I gave it to a poor old woman," he answered.
"You're a good boy," said the mother proudly. "Here are two cents more. But why are you so interested in the old woman?"
"She is the one who sells the candy."
好孩子
小罗伯特向妈妈要两分钱。
“昨天给你的钱干什么了？”
“我给了一个可怜的老太婆，”他回答说。 “你真是个好孩子，”妈妈骄傲地说。“再给你两分钱。可你为什么对那位老太太那么感兴趣呢？”
“她是个卖糖果的。”
Drunk
One day, a father and his little son were going home. At this age, the boy was interested in all kinds of things and was always asking questions. Now, he asked, "What's the meaning of the word 'Drunk', dad?" "Well, my son," his father replied, "look, there are standing two policemen. If I regard the two policemen as four then I am drunk."
"But, dad," the boy said, " there's only ONE policeman!"
醉酒
一天，父亲与小儿子一道回家。这个孩子正处于那种对什么事都很感兴趣的年龄，老是有提不完的问题。他向父亲发问道：“爸爸，‘醉’字是什么意思？” “唔，孩子，”父亲回答说，“你瞧那儿站着两个警察。如果我把他们看成了四个，那么我就算醉了。” “可是，爸爸， ”孩子说，“那儿只有一个警察呀！”
Hospitality
The hostess apologized to her unexpected guest for serving an apple-pie without any cheese. The little boy of the family left the room quietly for a moment and returned with a piece of cheese which he laid on the guest's plate. The visitor smiled, put the cheese into his mouth and then said: "You must have better eyes than your mother, sonny. Where did you find the cheese?" "In the rat-trap, sir," replied the boy.
好客
由于客人在吃苹果馅饼时，家里没有奶酪了，于是女主人向大家表示歉意。这家的小男孩悄悄地离开了屋子。过了一会儿，他拿着一片奶酪回到房间，把奶酪放在客人的盘子里。 客人微笑着把奶酪放进嘴里说：“孩子，你的眼睛就是比你妈妈的好。你在哪里找到的奶酪？” “在捕鼠夹上，先生。”那小男孩说。
英语小笑话
上个星期五我穿了一件 Adidas 的衣服去打球, 一个老美看到就笑我说, "Do you
know what does it mean? It means All Day I Dream About Sex.我整天都在想著
性, 缩写正好是 Adidas) " 我正惊讶他怎么反应这么快, 联想力这么丰富时,旁边的
一个老美帮我解围, 他说, 有一个很著名的合唱团 Korn, 他们的招牌歌之一就是
A.D.I.D.A.S, (All day I dream about sex)所以呢,这个典故可是很多老美都耳熟
能详的喔! 下次就换你去取笑老美了.
The mean man's party
The notorious cheap skate finally decided to have a party. Explaining to a friend how to find his apartment, he said, "Come up to 5M and ring the doorbell with your elbow. When the door open, push with your foot."
"Why use my elbow and foot?"
"Well, gosh," was the reply, "You're not coming empty-hangded, are you?"
吝啬鬼请客
一个出了名的吝啬鬼终于决定要请一次客了。他在向一个朋友解释怎么找到他家时说：“你上到五楼，找中间那个门，然后用你的胳膊肘按门铃。门开了之后，再用你的脚把门推开。”
“为什么要用我的肘和脚呢？”
“你的双手得拿礼物啊。天哪，你总不会空着手来吧？”吝啬鬼回答。
Does the dog know the proverb, too?
The little boy did not like the look of the barking dog.
"It's all right," said a gentleman, "don't be afraid. Don't
you know the proverb: Barking dogs don't bite?"
"Ah, yes," answered the little boy. "I know the proverb, but does
the dog know the proverb, too?"
狗也知道这个谚语吗？
一个小男孩非常不喜欢狗狂叫的样子。
“没有关系，”一位先生说，“不用害怕，你知道这条谚语吗：‘吠狗
不咬人。’”
“啊，我是知道，可是狗也知道吗？”
Teacher:Why are you late for school every morning?
Tom:Every time I come to the corner,a sign says,"School-Go slow".
老师:为什么你每天早晨都迟到?
汤姆:每当我经过学校的拐角处,僦看见一个牌子仩写着"学校----慢行".
Let me take it down
An elephant said to a mouse ,"no doubt that you are the smallest znd most useless thing that Ihave e ver seen ."
"Pless ,say it again .Let me take it down ."the mouse said ."I will tell a flea what I know."
为我所用
一头大象对一只小老鼠说：“你无疑是我见过的最小、最没用的东西。”
“请再说一遍，让我把它记下来。”老鼠说。“我要讲给我认识的一只跳蚤听。
有位大叔到美国去，因为临时突击的英语，所以不够用。
一天他到商店买东西，琢磨半天，对售货员说，“嘛好吃（mu how ch）”，售货员没听懂；他想了想，又说“好吃吗（how ch mu）”，还是没懂；“吃嘛好（ch mu how）”，售货员更晕了。
最后还是旁边的售货员机灵，知道大叔是问价钱，这才买了东西。
买完，走到门口，急急忙忙的，不小心撞了位美国绅士，这回大叔挺自信，说“i am sorry（对不起）”，美国绅士也讲礼貌，回一句“i am sorry too（我也对不起）”。大叔就迷惑了，怎么还two(二)呢？心说一定是讲客气，要按照数字一个个加，于是笑着说“i am sorry three（对不起三）”。美国绅士楞了一下，问“what are you sorry for（你为什么道歉）”，大叔不假思索，说：“i am sorry five（对不起五）”
Teacher:Why are you late for school every morning?
Tom:Every time I come to the corner,a sign says,"School-Go slow".
老师:为什么你每天早晨都迟到?
汤姆:每当我经过学校的拐角处,僦看见一个牌子仩写着"学校----慢行".
Let me take it down
1．Do You Know My Work？
One night a hotel caught fire， and the people who were staying in it ran out in their night clothes．
Two men stood outside and looked at the fire．
“Before I came out，” said one，“I ran into some of the rooms and found a lot of money． People don't think of money when they're afraid． When anyone leaves paper money in a fire， the fire burns it． So I took all the bills that I could find．No one will be poorer because I took them．”
“You don't know my work，” said the other．
“What is your work？”
“I'm a policeman．
“Oh！” cried the first man． He thought quickly and said，“And do you know my work？”“No，”said the policeman．
“I'm a writer． I'm always telling stories about things that never happened．”
译文：（自己简单翻译）
你知道我是干什么的吗？
一天晚上，一家旅馆失火，住在这家旅馆里的人穿着睡 衣就跑了出来。
两个人站在外面，看着大火。
“在我出来之前，”其中一个说：“我跑进一些房间，找到了一大笔钱。人在恐惧中是不会想到钱的。如果有人把纸币留在火里，火就会把它烧成灰烬。所以我把我所能找到的钞票都拿走了。没有人会因为我拿走它们而变得更穷。”
“你不知道我是干什么的。”另一个说。
“你是干什么的？”
“我是警察。”
“噢！”第一个人喊了一声。他灵机一动，说：“那你知道我是干什么的？”“不知道。”警察说。
“我是个作家。我总是爱编一些从未发生过的故事。”
Always Thirsty
"I had an operation," said a man to his friend, "and the doctor left a sponge in me."
"That's terrible!" said the friend. "Got any pain?"
"No, but I am always thirsty!"
总感到口渴
一个男人对他的朋友说：“我动了一次手术，手术后医生把一块海绵忘在我的身体里了。”
“真是太糟糕了！”朋友说道：“你觉得疼吗？”
“不疼，可是我总感到口渴。”
A Useful Way
Father: Jack, why do you drink so much water?
Jack: I have just had an apple, Dad.
Father: What's that got to do with it?
Jack: I forgot to wash the apple.
一个有效的方法
爸爸：杰克，你干嘛喝这么多水呀？
杰克：我刚才吃了个苹果，爸爸。
爸爸：可是这跟喝水有什么关系呢？
杰克：我忘了洗苹果呀。
A Present
Kate: Mom, do you know what I'm going to give you for your birthday?
Mom: No, Honey, what?
Kate: A nice teapot.
Mom: But I've got a nice teapot.
Kate: No, you haven't. I've just dropped it.
凯特的礼物
凯特：妈妈，你知道我要给你一件什么生日礼物吗？
妈妈：不知道，宝贝，是什么呀？
凯特：一把漂亮的茶壶。
妈妈：可是我已经有一把漂亮的茶壶了呀。
凯特：不，你没有了。我刚刚把它给摔了。
The Doctor Knows Better
A man was hit by a cab in the street. He was brought to the hospital.
His wife who was standing up by his bed, said to the doctor: "I think that he is very ill."
"I am afraid that he is dead." said the doctor.
Hearing this, the man moved his head and said: "I'm not dead. I'm still alive."
"Be quiet, " said the wife. "the doctor knows better than you!"
医生懂得多
一个男人在街上被出租车撞倒送进了医院。他的妻子站在他的床前对医生说：“我想他伤得很厉害。”
医生说：“恐怕他已经死了。”
听到医生的话，这个男人转动着头说：“我没死，我还活着。”
妻子说：“安静，医生比你懂得多。”
Waste or Save?
Father: Oh, Jack, you have slept away the whole morning. Don't you know you are wasting time?
Jack: Yes, Dad. But I've saved you a meal, haven' I?
浪费还是节约
父亲：噢，杰克，你又睡了一上午。难道你不知道你这是在浪费时间吗？
杰克：我知道，爸爸。可我还给您节省了一顿饭呢，是不是？
Why Is He Howling
Dentist: Please stop howling. I haven't even touched your tooth yet.
Patient: I know, but you are standing on my foot!
他为什么喊
牙医：请你不要再喊了！我还没碰你的牙呢。
病人：我知道，可是你正踩着我的脚呀！
Let me take it down
An elephant said to a mouse ,"no doubt that you are the smallest znd most useless thing that Ihave e ver seen ."
"Pless ,say it again .Let me take it down ."the mouse said ."I will tell a flea what I know."
为我所用
一头大象对一只小老鼠说：“你无疑是我见过的最小、最没用的东西。”
“请再说一遍，让我把它记下来。”老鼠说。“我要讲给我认识的一只跳蚤听。
An old soldier often told his garden about his past war exploits.
"Once I met with a dozen enemy sol-diers and took them prisoners singlehand-ed."
"It was half a dozen enemy soldiers when you told me the story last year.But why have you added so many more this time?"
"You silly lad.You were younger last year,and I was afraid to frighten you."
While wisiting the cemetery,a sorrowful couple noticed a headstone,which read,"here lies a lawyer and a honest nan"."look at that",the woman said,"money's so tight they're putting then two in a grave."
Lawyer Jokes :
A man visiting a graveyard saw a tombstone that read, "Here lies John Kelly, a lawyer and an honest man." "How about that!" he exclaimed. "They've got three people buried in one grave."
__________________________________
These are from a book called Disorder in the Court, and are
things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and
now published by
court reporters - who had the torment of staying calm while
these exchanges were actually taking place.
__________________________________
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15th.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
_________________________________
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he
woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
_________________________________
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
__________________________________
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
__________________________________
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for
a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
A:Nice to meet you.
B:Nice to meet you,too.
C:Nice to meet you,three.
An Artist
An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time.
"I have good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman enquired about your work and
wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings."
"That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?"
An old soldier often told his garden about his past war exploits.
"Once I met with a dozen enemy sol-diers and took them prisoners singlehand-ed."
"It was half a dozen enemy soldiers when you told me the story last year.But why have you added so many more this time?"
"You silly lad.You were younger last year,and I was afraid to frighten you
BUYING A HAT
A lady went to a hat shop to buy a hat. As she was very fussy, it took her a long time to pick on one. Already at the end of his patience the salesman was afraid that she might change her mind again so he tried to flatter her: "An excellent choice, madam. You look at least ten years younger with this hat on!" To his dismay, the lady took off her hat at once and said: "I don't want a hat that makes me look ten years older as soon as I take it off. Show me some more hats!"
I'M NOT HAVING IT ALL CUT OFF.
Miles sometime went to the barber's during working hours to have his hair cut. But this was against the office rules: clerks had to have their hair cut in their own time. While Miles was at the barber's one day, the manager of the office came in by chance to have his own hair cut and sat just beside him.
"Hello, Miles," the manager said. "I see that you are having your hair cut in office time."
"Yes, sir, I am," admitted Miles calmly. "You see, sir, it grows in office time."
"Not all of it," said the manager at once. "Some of it grows in your own time."
"Yes, sir, that's quite true." Answered Miles politely, "but I'm not having it all cut off."
But the teacher cried
The six-year-old John was terribly spoiled. His father knew it, but his grandma doted on him. He hardly left her side. And when he wanted anything, he either cried or threw a temper tantrum. Then came his first day of school, his first day away from his grandmother's loving arms.
When he came home from school his grandma met him at the door.
"Was school all right?" she asked, "Did you get along all right? did you cry?"
"Cry?" John asked. "No, I didn't cry, but the teacher did!"
The difference between men and women
Jock was driving up a steep, narrow, tortuous, Scottish mountain road. A woman was driving down the same road in the opposite direction.
As they pass each other the woman leant out the window and shouted: "PIG!!"
Jock immediately leant out his window and replied with "BITCH!!"
They each continue on their way, but as Jock rounded the next corner he ran into a pig in the middle of the road....
The Clock
Hillary Clinton died and went to heaven. As she stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates she saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.
She asked, "What are all those clocks?"
St Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."
"Oh," said Hillary, "whose clock is that?"
"That's Mother Theresa's. The hands have never moved indicating that she never told a lie."
"Whose clock is that?" "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have only moved twice telling us that Abe only told 2 lies in his entire life."
"Where is Bill's clock?" Hillary asked.
"Bill's clock is in Jesus' office. He is using it as a ceiling fan."
One Engine Left
A 747 was halfway across the Atlantic when the captain got on the loud speaker, "Attention, passengers. We have lost one of our engines, but we can certainly reach London with the three we have left. Unfortunately, we will arrive an hour late as a result."
Shortly thereafter, the passengers heard the captain's voice again, "Guess what, folks. We just lost our third engine, but please be assured we can fly with only one. We will now arrive in London three hours late."
At this point, one passenger became furious. "For Pete's sake," he shouted, "If we lose another engine, we'll be up here all night!"
In the morning Mr.Smith comes into the garden at the back of his house. He sees much snow(雪) in the garden.Mr.Smith wants to take his car out, so he asks a man to clean the road from his garage(车库)to the gate(大门). He says to the man,”Don't throw any snow on that side. It will damage(损坏) flowers in the street, or the policeman will come.”Then he goes out.
When he comes back, the road is clean.There is no snow on the flowers, on the wall or in the street. But when he open the garage, he sees the garage is full of snow(被雪充满), the snow from the road, and his car is under the snow!
A beautiful young blonde woman boards a plane to LA with a ticket for the coach section. She looks at the seats in coach and then looks ahead to the first class seats. Seeing that the first class seats appear to be much larger and more comfortable, she moves forward to the last empty one. The flight attendant checks her ticket and tells the woman that her seat is in coach.
The blonde replies, "I'm young, blonde and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here all the way to LA."
Flustered, the flight attendant goes to the cockpit and informs the captain of the blonde problem. The captain goes back and tells the woman that her assigned seat is in coach.
Again, the blonde replies, "I'm young, blonde and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here all the way to LA."
The captain doesn't want to cause a commotion, and so returns to the cockpit to discuss the blonde with the co-pilot. The co-pilot says that he has a blonde girlfriend, and that he can take care of the problem. He then goes back and briefly whispers something into the blonde's ear.
She immediately gets up, says, "Thank you so much," hugs the co-pilot, and rushes back to her seat in the coach section. The pilot and flight attendant, who were watching with rapt attention, together ask the co-pilot what he had said to the woman.
He replies, "I just told her that the first class section isn't going to LA."
A man goes to church and starts talking to God. He says: "God, what is a million dollars to you?" and God says: "A penny", then the man says: "God, what is a million years to you?" and God says: "a second", then the man says: "God, can I have a penny?" and God says "In a second"
一男子进入教堂和上帝对话.他问:"主啊, 一百万美元对你意味着多少?"上帝回答:"一便士."男子又问:"那一百万年呢?"上帝说:"一秒钟."最后男子请求道:"上帝,我能得到一便士吗?"上帝回答:"过一秒钟."
Four best friends met at the hospital since their wives were giving births to their babies. The nurse comes up to the first man and says, "Congratulations, you got twins." The man said "How strange, I'm the manager of Minnesota Twins." After awhile the nurse comes up to the second man and says, "Congratulations, you got triplets." Man was like "Hmmm, strange I worked as a director for the "3 musketeers." Finally, the nurse comes up to the third man and says
"Congratulations, you got twins x2." Man is happy and says, "Ironic, I work for the hotel "4 Seasons." All three of them are happy until they see their last buddy jumping all over the place, cursing God and banging his head on the wall. They asked him what's wrong and he answered, "What's wrong? I work for 7up"!
四个好朋友在医院里碰面了,他们的妻子正在生产.护士过来对第一个男人说:"恭喜,你得了双胞胎."男人说:"多奇怪呀,我是明尼苏达双子队的经理."过了一会儿,护士过来对第二个男人说:"恭喜,你得了三胞胎."男人很喜欢:"嗯,又巧了.我是3M公司的董事."最后,护士跑来对第三个男人说:"恭喜,你得了2对双胞胎."男人很开心地说:"真令人啼笑皆非,我为四季宾馆工作."他们三个都很高兴,但第四个伙伴急得像热锅上的蚂蚁,咒骂上帝并用头撞墙.他们问他有什么不对劲,他回答道:"什么不对劲?我可是在七喜公司工作呀!"
呵呵,一个比一个效率高.
Osama Bin Laden, a Canadian, and President Bush were walking down the street when they saw a golden lamp. They rubbed it and a genie came out and said, "I will grant each one a wish that’s 3 together." The Canadian said, "I am a father and my son will be a farmer so I want the soil in Canada to be forever fertile." The genie said the magic words and the wish came true. Osama looked amazed so he wished for a wall around Afghanistan the genie said the magic words and again the wish came true. President Bush said "Genie, tell me more about this wall," the genie said,” It’s 50 feet thick and 500 feet tall so nothing can get in and nothing can get out." President Bush said,” Wow! That’s a big bridge...Fill it with water!!!
拉登,一加拿大人还有布什总统走在大街上看到一盏金色的灯.他们擦了擦灯出现了一个精灵.精灵说:"我要满足你们每人一个愿望总共三个."加拿大人说:"我是个父亲我儿子将成为农夫,因此我想让加拿大的土地永远肥沃."精灵说了咒语愿望实现了.拉登看了很惊奇,他希望有座城墙围绕阿富汗.精灵又说了咒语愿望又实现了.布什总统问:"精灵请告诉我关于这座墙的事情."精灵回答:"墙厚50英尺,高500英尺,因而里面的任何东西出不来外面的任何东西进不去."布什总统说:"哇!那是座大桥耶...注满水!!!"
My Baby Swallowed a Bullet
Young Mother: "Doctor, my baby swallowd a bullet. What shall I do ?
Doctor: "Don't point him at anybody."
Notes
1. to swallow a bullet: 吞下一颗子弹
2. to point at: 对...瞄准
allybaby
Once two hunters went hunting in the forest. One of them suddenly fell down by accident. He showed the whites of his eyes and seemed to have ceased breathing. The other hunter soon took out his mobile phone to call the emergency center for help. The operator said calmly:"First, you should make sure that he is already dead." Then the operator heard a gunshot from the other end of the phone and next he heard the hunter asking:"What should I do next?"
两个猎人进森林里打猎，其中一个猎人不慎跌倒，两眼翻白，似已停止呼吸。另一个猎人赶紧拿出手机拨通紧急求助电话。接线员沉着地说：“第一步，要先确定你的朋友已经死亡。”于是，接线员在电话里听到一声枪响，然后听到那猎人接着问：“第二步怎办？”
fool_fox
标题：I'm the boss
内容：The boss was complaining in our staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect. Later that morning he went to a local card and novelty shop and bought a small sign that read, "I'm the Boss". He then taped it to his office door.Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said. "Your wife called, she wants her sign back!"
note:staff meeting:员工会议
Wife's picture
A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks.
After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then he orders the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes that one, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini.
The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring you martinis all night long. But you go to tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill."
The customer replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife.When she starts to look good, then I know it's time to go home."
note:tavern 酒馆, 客栈
martini 马提尼酒
peek/pi;k/ n.一瞥, 匆忙看过v.偷看
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